Saturday, October 6, 2018

Bipolar is not a Working Mom

I tried. I really did. I wanted the job. I was flattered when they asked me to interview. I was amazed that I was given a second interview. Then I was offered the position and asked to report for work on Monday morning. It was overwhelming but so fun. I was doing a job that used my creativity, that needed my level of energy and excitement. 

First Day of my New Job
Bipolar thrived at the busy pace and amount of work. I pushed myself and was exhausted by dinner every night. I didn't care, I was able to skip my sleeping pill at night and woke up every morning ready to tackle another day. The paychecks were high, Bipolar shopped and spent every penny. The bills were paid and we were still spoiled every week. 

More money, more new clothes;
Bipolar was winning.

Just six weeks later the shine of a new job wore off, the money wasn't enough, the work load was too much. I was cranky, I was annoyed, I was making mistakes, I was no longer the energetic shining star that had been hired for the job. My frustration was directed towards others that I felt contributed to my failings. Bipolar blamed others but didn't explain the overwhelming feelings to the boss. 

My first big event in the community stretched me to the limits of my self. I made myself sick and couldn't make it through the weekend. Two months of missing my children and being overworked left me emotionally exhausted and feeling like a failure. I took two sick days and rested. It wasn't enough. Bipolar had worked me into a hole that left me with a bad attitude. 

Two days later I was fired. 

Defeated.

It has been a month since I lost the job.. One month since the gifted job had left me feeling betrayed. I'm still hurt and angry. Depression has knocked Bipolar out of the way and taken over my life. Depression takes all my energy to complete menial tasks. Anxiety tags along and messes with my head like a mean girl. Faking it gets me through a day or two but then it take three or four days to reset and restart. 

Bipolar, Depression, and Anxiety don't want me to work. 

So I won't try again.