Sunday, January 7, 2018

Nope. Anxiety

Anxiety won last night.


Plans were set for a Saturday night weeks in advance. I procrastinated to find a sitter hoping to use it as an excuse to cancel. With a small boost of courage and confidence, I found someone to watch the boys. I had two days. Two days to finish my to-do list. Two days to wash dishes, take out the trash, straighten up the boys' room, and clear the middle room. 




I know, I know. I hadn't been able to do all this work in the last two weeks over the school break. Hell, not even the last two months it had been on the To-Do List. There was no way I was going to accomplish it in two days. I had set myself up for failure. 

Was it a sub-conscious attempt to bow out of an event? Maybe. I am never sure. (Which only leads to more anxiety trying to figure it out!)

The biggest issue was the embarrassment of a babysitter seeing my house. I was afraid I would be judged. That someone would laugh about the horrible mom that let her children live in such a house. (To be honest, it is bad, but not close to an episode about hoarding. I don't want any readers to worry.)

I can't believe I am being this honest. I like to be an open book with my mental health issues, but this is a lot.

Be kind.