Tuesday, October 17, 2017

My Mental Illness is Unique

MY Mental Illness Is MINE.

At times I am so angry that people can not understand what I am going through each and every day. Occasionally I realize I don't even understand what my depression and anxiety does to my mood.

You might not fully grasp what it feels like - but you can read my account of the last few days and see life from my eyes.

I picked the boys up from their grandparents' house on Saturday morning. They had a day camp for children that have lost a loved one. Sam was anxious but he calmed down once he got there. Jay was excited to do art projects. I went home and watched TV and took a nap. I didn't want to go back and be around people - but I did. After I picked them up the boys took me to the Flagstaff Community Labyrinth. They had walked it with the group and they wanted to show it to me. It was peaceful (well when Jay would stop talking) to slow down and walk to the center. That night I made two batches rice crispy treats, and followed it with a large stack of grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. Bedtime came easy because they were happy to be home with their mom.

Sunday started slow, I did not want to do any adulting. I wanted to stay in bed, so I did. I think I got up at one point but the headache, anxiety, and depression were too much to handle. I went to lay down and rest. I woke up hours later and could hear the boys playing nicely. I fell back asleep. The next thing I knew it was 10 pm. The boys were still watching YouTube on TV. (Why is it fun to watch others game play on video?) I forced them to clean up their mess and turn off the TV. I made Jay get a shower. They both climbed into bed with me. They fell asleep around 11 pm. I was up for a few hours but finally drifted off.

Monday: I didn't take the boys to school. They were out cold when the alarm went off. I didn't have the energy or motivation to bother. I finally got out of bed around 12 noon. My mom called me. She knew I was upset and angry about my job. I told her that before this job my life was the best it had ever been; we had lived in the same place for 7 years, we had enough money to get by, I had a new car, the boys were doing better in school with me not working. As horrible as I felt, it was just a bump.

After we hung up, I straightened up my kitchen, had the boys take care of recycling, and made us lunch. Then I watched some tv and started a pot of chili for dinner. I sat and cuddled one-on-one with Jay as it cooked. After we ate, we put away all the clean laundry. (I had done a few loads of laundry while they were at their grandparents. I even washed the damn dishes.) Jay went to sleep without a fight. Sam begged to sleep with me. I wanted to finish the movie I had been watching. I took that time to cuddle with Sam for some of his one-on-one attention. We climbed into bed and Sam read a chapter of a Magic Treehouse book as a bedtime story. 

To some of you this reads like a typical day for any family. However ALL of this took A LOT of effort because of my depression. After a couple weeks of not working, not doing dishes, not cooking, and not caring; I had cleaned up the kitchen, made food for us to eat, and I had done chores. 

Even for the few months I was working, I hadn't been cooking. I had no energy by the time 4 pm rolled around. We would go to a fast food place and take some food home. I would only do laundry when we were out of clean undies. 

This is why I haven't blogged as much this year. Every post I would start writing was angry ranting from the hurt and pain of my depression. I didn't want CoCo And Twins to be full of anger. Soon I hope to get back to regularly publishing. I have so many projects started that need to be finished up. I want to share more of what I love with those that will read.

Thank you for letting me share.