My head and my heart are constantly at war. My heart needs to love and be loved, but my head tells me that no one wants to share my life. Friends come and go; tired of trying to understand. Relationships fail by my hand or my actions. I don't blame anyone but myself. Some days I can't love myself so I don't expect much from anyone else. Some days I feel like everyone is missing out because I could be the best thing that ever walked into their life.
Have you ever wanted to be left alone, but still have someone near you?
Do you not want to be touched, but really need a hug?
The conflicting emotions and feelings drain all of my energy. It makes it so hard to even handle the basics of each day. Getting a shower and driving the boys to school can be enough that I need a nap. Yesterday I didn't want to go home because I knew I would crawl into my bed and sleep. I actually sat at my boys' school and did nothing so I wouldn't be alone. That was the extent of my day though, because I ended up going to bed early. Today I couldn't even be bothered to get a shower. I volunteered at the school for about 45 minutes after drop off, then I went home and took a nap.
I wouldn't say I am depressed, but that probably isn't how others see it. I will blame some of it on anxiety though, my need to make things seem good is exhausting. I load my To Do List so I can keep busy and force myself out of the house, but then I don't want to do anything at all.
Balancing everything is getting to be too much.
Some links that were in my email this week: