Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Better - 2017 - Better

Last year I was convinced that 2016 was going to be a great year. I had such grand plans for everything I would accomplish. I had just started classes at the local community college. We had two back to back birthday parties to celebrate the boys 6th birthday. I was looking forward to a weekend off. However, before January was even over, everything had changed. The next week we were planning a funeral. My 39th birthday was in the middle of a tear filled week. We tried to get back to a normal schedule, but it was hard. I felt like I was always trying to play catch up. Next thing I knew it was Spring Break. The weeks started to roll one after the other and I was disconnected.

I was using my full effort to keep from slipping into a deep depression so I didn't notice as it slowly set in. It was more of an agitated state at first. I was just unhappy and aggravated with everything. This went on for a couple months. Right now as I look back I can't remember many specifics over the summer months. I threw myself in my Chicago trip and it kept me focused and distracted. August came and the boys started first grade. I wasn't interested in helping at their school. My own classes were more of a job than anything fun. Once October hit, I was done. I had no energy left. I skipped classes and slept. I didn't clean the house, I didn't accomplish much besides getting the boys to school. I planned a Halloween party and then I canceled at the last minute. I felt like a failure.

My anxiety was running on high as we neared elections. My candidate was not named as the President-elect and I felt cheated. Thanksgiving came and went. A bright spot was having the money to take advantage of some great Black Friday sales. I was also lucky that my Amazon affiliate links helped me earn more money over 5 days than I had in months. Thankfully my depression didn't give me as much trouble as I feared for Christmas. It ended up being a pretty nice winter break.

Then it hit. I didn't want to leave my room. I didn't want to even get out of bed. Showering felt like too much effort. I felt defeated. There were moments where I thought I could pull myself out of it, but I would sink back down. Again, I had big plans for the year. I filled out my planner. I scribbled ideas for the blog, for our house, for school. I had multiple blog posts I was writing but none of them felt worthy of hitting the PUBLISH button. The elementary school started back on the 3rd. We were late multiple times. Once (or twice) we didn't even go to school. I was having a hard time getting started. Every small thing felt like a giant failure.

Things were supposed to be BETTER. 2017 was going to be a better year. Tomorrow would be a better day. Better, better, better. I picked that as my word for the year. It isn't some amazing insight or goal - but to me it was something I could do. It was flexible. I just wanted something to be BETTER each and every day. I am striving for it. My first post of 2017 was supposed to be a plan for my year. It was supposed to set the tone. I never did post. My first post was NOT supposed to be a sponsored post. However, I finally decided that being paid for a promotional post wasn't a bad start. It proved that things could be better. I was getting paid to be online. I was getting paid to rep a brand that I love.

So next week, I will again strive for better.