Original start to my post:
Even as someone with a long history of depression, I can't always tell when I am having an episode. I still feel that depression will only present itself in certain way. Usually I sleep. I don't shower. I don't leave my room. I forget that it can also be frustration, irritability, restlessness, hunger, anger. There is no one way to be depressed. Not even for the same person.
I am at fault of generalizing my own symptoms. I don't give those other things enough importance. I gloss over the irritability, anger and frustration as a tough day or my over active boys. Trust me, those do play into my moods but it is still the depression taking over.
I tend to get mad at myself when I do this. It makes me feel stupid that I didn't realize that I was slipping back into the dark. That only produces unneeded and unproductive guilt. I am always my own worst critic. I will still always have contempt for myself even if everyone else loves me.
My current #crazy level is ashamed and hopeless. I am at that spot where I want to cry but the mood stabilizers are working enough that I won't be able to have more than a couple tears. My head is pounding. I slept a good part of the day and had to force myself to get up and take the kids out for soccer and VBS.
I am sure that this post is hard to follow for anyone that doesn't share my crazy. I hate when I can't follow a conversation and it is ten times worse when it is all in your own head. Nothing is overly horrible. I am not sad. I am just done.
These two are amazing. They love me even when I can't love myself. They love me even when depression and anxiety take over my day. These two keep me from the extremes of my bipolar.