Friday, February 12, 2016

Angry Survivors: anxiety after death

Can a 6 yr old have an anxiety attack? 

Warning: May contain triggers. Be cautious with reading if facing depression . 

Reality is setting in for my Jay. I found him sitting in the dark kitchen crying afterschool. He teared up when we were saying goodbye to a friend before the dance. He has burst into tears multiple times since we got home. 

This last episode started when he was asleep. He was itching and scratching his whole body. Crying, breathing fast, heart racing. Kicking and flailing. Then he would calm down and stare ahead and zone out. Before he fell back asleep, he said we needed to stay home tomorrow because he would be to sad to do anything or go anywhere.

How can I be so angry at someone that is dead?  I am swearing at my ceiling, crying while I try to calm Jayson. 

While I understand his decision, his self-inflicted death is really pissing me off. 

I don't know if I can do enough to help my boys. My own half-assed attempts at ending my life failed. At the time I felt that was just one more thing I fucked up in my life. Just one more thing I couldn't get right. It is so scary to think of what was going through Ken's head 15 nights ago. Scary because I have been in that hole. Scary because I saw how hard it was to dig and claw my way back to the top.

I have been at peace for the last week. As details came out the entire family realized that he had planned his death. I blamed myself for doing or saying something wrong.  I blamed myself for giving up too soon - BUT there is nothing I could have done to change things.  It is so hard to fully accept that, I don't want to accept it. 

Sammy still want talk about anything. His behavior is getting worse. Hitting and kicking, pushing his brother. Lying about little things. Sam is having a hard time with loud noises. Both boys are even more sensitive during the day, bedtime is a long process of tears, torture and giving in to them sleeping in my bed.

The other manifestation of their feelings has been yelling out: 

"You hate me! Nobody loves me! You don't love me! You don't like me! Nobody wants to play with me!" 

It is so hard to hear those words. Of course, I love them. How does a mom with her own poor feelings of self-worth explain any of this to a sad 6 yr old child. It isn't fair. 

I am not sure why I never completed my attempts at suicide. Maybe it was more of a cry for help than being at the last bit of hope. Does that make me stronger? Was he more courageous for choosing a method that couldn't fail? 

I might never know.  Right now I don't need to know. All I NEED is enough strength and wisdom and love to comfort these two little boys.  We have done pretty well over the last 5+ years so I know I CAN do it! I am just a little worried about the HOW.

Has anyone dealt with any similar situations? Please post what worked or helped. Thank you.