Saturday, January 9, 2016

Can't Even


How are you?

That's good.

Me? Fine.

Wait, that's a lie. I want to be honest. It is important to me to have a place where I don't have to fake it. No forced smiles. No perfect photos. That is not reality. At least not in my life.

I have been trying and trying to come up with the perfect blog post to officially kick off the new year. I have a ton of ideas floating around in my head. The problem - there is so much else bouncing around in my mind. I can't think straight.

I don't do resolutions. I never stuck to them. They always ended up making me feel defeated. I saw an idea on a friend's blog to pick one word for your year.

My choice: CONFIDENCE.

I was trying to write one sentence for each facet of my life that I wanted/needed to have confidence. Right now, the only thing I feel confident about is that I am going to continue this downward spiral. I know, I know - what a horribly depressing way to start off 2016.


I so badly want 2016 to be my best year yet! I have plans. I have goals. I have lists of everything I want to accomplish this year.

I have a new planner. A Color Crush from Webster's Pages. Using planners are cool now. It's a thing. I used one back in highschool, it wasn't cool back then but I got away with it. It combines my creativity with my overwhelming need to schedule and plan ahead - all topped off with some OCD.

However, I opened the box, put the pages in, and haven't written one thing. Not even my name.  How can I feel so lost and confused when I have so much that I know I need to do?

Edited 1/10/16: It is pretty though - add after church today I think I know where to start.

You want to know a secret? I almost never cry. For someone with such severe depression it is a real pain in the ass to not be able to shed a few tears. There are so many anti-depressants and mood stabilizers in my system.

Tonight though, I am crying.

Let's go back a couple weeks...

The days leading up to Christmas had me stressed, overwhelmed and devoid of and holiday spirit. We didn't make Christmas cookies. We didn't do handmade ornaments. We didn't make any cute presents for the grandparents. I was already slipping.

Somehow it hallway came together and then presents were under the tree with the help of Mikala. The twins' dad was there too but he wasn't much help after the kids were in bed. At least they listened to him and got their rooms picked up.

Christmas morning proved that Santa did a great job with the gifts under the tree.  I didn't get one picture of me and the boys together. Not one cheesy picture of us in our pajamas opening presents, bed head and smeared makeup. My mood took away from their Christmas morning.

The boys, their dad and Mikala all left and headed south on the I-17 highway before lunch. I spent the next 48 hours in bed. I don't really remember much - except guilt and failure.

I finally felt a little better, I got some shopping done and started organizing the house. I used gift cards to shop and made some exchanges. I felt like I accomplished something. Things got done around the house. I almost felt normal.

Then the boys came home. On the second to last day of Winter Break. I was so happy to see them. Sam was being a cuddle bug. Jay was being Jay. They liked what I had gotten done in their bedrooms. They were glad to be home. (In fact, I think Grandma was happy they were home too.)

School started on Monday, January 4th. It started snowing but it didn't stick much in town. That night though, it snowed some more and froze over. It was dangerous to drive so school was delayed. It snowed.most of Tuesday and overnight to Wednesday. The school district declared a Snow Day for Wednesday. As kids rejoiced, parents groaned.

Then Thursday was a snow day and then Friday too. The City of Flagstaff had 31 inches of snow in one week. That is the 17th largest measurable snow in Arizona since 1898.

Yes, that 2 weeks off of school for Xmas. Then 1 full day of school. 1 partial day. 3 SNOW DAYS! and now it is the weekend.

At least they got to go out and play once. Neighbors made a huge snow pile that I tried to turn into a sled hill.

I wish I could have done more with the boys but after a trip to the ER on Tuesday. I wasn't very productive. (Whole 'nother blog post.)  One thing about that? I am not old enough for this shit!

Well there is much more I could say...

EDITED TO ADD: We made it to church this morning. It was exactly what I needed! The music talked about how we need to THRIVE instead of SURVIVE. 

The sermon talked about different areas in our life and how we thought God wanted us to live. The pastor talked about having a CALENDAR and that what you had listed in your calendar was what you valued and treasured. That if you put something in your calendar, you needed to DO IT! That if it means something to you, you need to make time for it. 

I couldn't believe how much it synced up to what I had written and how I was feeling. Even better was that I could follow along in the YOUvision app on my smartphone. The bible verses were listed as well as the sermon notes.

Ephesians 5:15-16 (NIV) Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise,
making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.