Thursday, November 5, 2015

Lessons Learned

As a child I learned that people fail you. I don't think the intention to hurt the child but it does;  and I sadly dealt with more than a few times.

My parents separated when I was little. I was just under 5 if I remember correctly. I never knew specifics when I was little. Now I have too much information. I can not tell what is fact, lies or opinions.

After my mom remarried I hoped that this would be the whole family we deserved. Things didn't go so well for me. I was a constant pain the ass. I was always causing trouble, not serious, but trouble all the same. Things happened during some important years that I have come to terms with as an adult. There are and will continue to be repercussions for a long time coming. The hardest part was feeling betrayed. Feeling that I wasn't safe or protected.

I was financially taken care of, well taken care of.  I had a car after I got my license. I had spending money. I worked a small part time job and I had my own income. Sadly the money wasn't as important as what I felt I was truly missing.

I still miss it. Sometimes I feel as though I have no family. I understand that dealing with mental illness is hard. I do it every day.

It has taken me a very long time to get to this point. I finally feel safe. I feel in control of my life. Life is not easy and I usually don't have enough money to make it through the month. I still miss what should be close relationships in my family.

I am not sure how this ends. The blog post or my feelings about my family life.