Tuesday, October 7, 2014

more mumblings

Last night was horrible. I cried. I rocked back and forth. I wrote a blog post. I finally fell asleep and had bad dreams. I woke up this morning, got the kids out the door for carpool, and tried to decide HOW my procrastination would start. I had a counseling appointment scheduled for 830. I figured if I sat around long enough then I wouldn't have time to shower and I could go back to bed. Somehow I ended up turning the water on. I blow dried my hair, put on clean clothes and even brushed my teeth. I walked to my appointment and I was only 4 minutes late. The counselor was 7 minutes late  I had her read my blog post. She could see the difference in mood and the blog was the fastest way to make her understand. She then mentioned Momastery. I didn't catch the reference. She told me that I needed to see you talk about Learning Everything I needed in a Mental Hospital. Tonight when the boys were finally snoring I googled it and got sucked in. I have a feeling I will be on her site a whole lot more. Hearing her speak reminded me that I am not living my life for anyone else but my self. My twin boys are my responsibility, but I do not answer to anyone else. As long as I am doing my best for those boys, I am doing my job. 

Every time I get up enough courage to be really honest, life take a major turn. I have been lucky that some times it ended up being a great view ahead of me. The rest of the times I crashed into a brick wall. I feel like I hit one of those brick walls back in May. 

I was manic. I felt great. I was being honest. I filmed a spot for my aha moment (Mutual of Omaha) and I was proud of it. I was being the best ME that I could be. I shared some very personal details with 4 friends : suicide attempts, drug use, racing thoughts, medication after medication, promiscuity, and 15 other things that these 4 couldn't seem to handle.  One friend and I have not spoken size.certainly then. One friend I see on a weekly basis but I don't feel that we do more than say hi in the hallway. One friend ended up moving away. We tried to reconnect but something was off. I never did get to say good bye before she left. The last friend has been the glue stick. She is trying to hold it together. She is trying to piece is all back together. It just isn't working. Sadly, all her attempts with the glue stick are annoying me. She is who she has always been. She hasn't changed but I have.

I realized that I was pretending to be somebody different. I was faking it. I could slap on that smile and put on some eye makeup and nobody knew the real me. Once they got a glimpse, they were confused. Or at least that is the answer I have come up with on my own. It hurts. I tried to explain how being open and honest really helped me. That I needed validation of my feelings.  That my brain never shut off or even slowed to a normal rate. That suicidal ideations bounced around at least a few times a week on an up swing. THAT I WAS FINE.  Contrary to what others think, I meant it in that moment. I was fine. I am fine. I take some great meds that even me out and help with the anxiety. I am trying to start a small business, I volunteer at my boys' school, I am planning events under a new project, I am giving back to the community that helped me, and I am still doing it without a car but dependant on the kindness of others. 

As any normal person, I still get overwhelmed. My kids still drive me crazy. I am overweight and the pills pack on pounds every month. My knees and ankles hurt every day from the walking but I can't stop. 

There are many days that stress me out and confuse me but I am still here. There must be a reason. 

I am not sure what the point is behind any of these rumblings either but they needed to be said. I needed to say them. If you have any words to say, please leave  comment.