I am having a horrible night. In the past (before the twins) the month of October had always been hard for me. I never knew why. Somehow, no matter what bad things happened, I made it through year after year. This summer I finally figured out the why... I thought the problem was taken care of... however the last few days have gotten worse and worse.
I am overwhelmed. I am stressed. I am on the last nerve before I snap. I feel like I could hide in my room for days. Obviously that isn't an option.
I am at a loss for what to do. I feel sick to my stomach. My head is pounding. I want to scream. I want to cry. I am scared that things are going to spiral so far out of my control that I won't make it back.
My boys have been driving me nuts for a week. Their behavior has been horrendous. They are eating every five minutes. Sneaking food out of the kitchen and bringing it into their room where they make a huge mess. It was a couple minutes before 5 p.m. tonight and Sam asked for a snack. I told him I was about to quit working so I could make dinner. I got to a stopping point and headed to the kitchen. I took out the trash. I got out a lot to boil so.e pasta. I realized the cup of milk was no longer on the table. I went down the hall to remind them of the rules and take the cup. Instead they both scrambled to hide something under the table. Jay had the cup and Sam had a one pound block of cheese. It was no longer in the wrapper. It was out of the wrapper, half under the dresser with a large bite missing.
I lost it. This was the 5th time in two days that they had gotten in trouble for taking g food out of the kitchen without permission. They had been yelled at, spanked on the bottom, sat in time out, and punished. I made Them throw away the cheese, clean. Up the mess, put on jammies and get in bed.
Now here I sit two hours later and I feel like a terrible mom. This is one of those nights that I wished I wasn't doing this all by myself. No one is here to comfort me. No one is here to give me a break. I can't walk out the door.
This single parent thing is not easy. Sometimes you really don't like your kids. You hate the way they act, the words they say, the bad choices they make. I love my boys so much but... I had to bite my tongue before I said things I would regret. Words that have hurt me my whole life. I heard them when I was little and I still feel the sting. I have made my own bad choices. Over and over again. I want to do better. Sadly I am stuck in a horrible cycle. My whole life is one big screwed up circle of crap.
I am not sure what I hope to gain from writing this out on the blog but I had to do something. Even if one other person reads this and can understand - well - it will be worth it.
A long time ago, I would just let the anxiety and depression take over. I wouldn't do anything but sleep for days. I failed my oldest son and I didn't want to make those same mistakes again. It scares me to think how close I am to doing that again. I feel like I finally have it together but it is only two steps away from falling off the edge.
October is a month of changes. The leaves turn color. The weather gets cooler. The warm sweaters come out of storage. It also has multiple causes that people want you to be aware of - breast cancer, domestic violence, suicide prevention, make a difference day, etc. That is a lot of stuff to be added on to a very full plate. It is especially a lot for a single mom with twins.
Somewhere in this hectic month, please think of us. Say a prayer, think good thoughts, send good vibes. Thanks.