Tuesday, October 7, 2014

more mumblings

Last night was horrible. I cried. I rocked back and forth. I wrote a blog post. I finally fell asleep and had bad dreams. I woke up this morning, got the kids out the door for carpool, and tried to decide HOW my procrastination would start. I had a counseling appointment scheduled for 830. I figured if I sat around long enough then I wouldn't have time to shower and I could go back to bed. Somehow I ended up turning the water on. I blow dried my hair, put on clean clothes and even brushed my teeth. I walked to my appointment and I was only 4 minutes late. The counselor was 7 minutes late  I had her read my blog post. She could see the difference in mood and the blog was the fastest way to make her understand. She then mentioned Momastery. I didn't catch the reference. She told me that I needed to see you talk about Learning Everything I needed in a Mental Hospital. Tonight when the boys were finally snoring I googled it and got sucked in. I have a feeling I will be on her site a whole lot more. Hearing her speak reminded me that I am not living my life for anyone else but my self. My twin boys are my responsibility, but I do not answer to anyone else. As long as I am doing my best for those boys, I am doing my job. 

Every time I get up enough courage to be really honest, life take a major turn. I have been lucky that some times it ended up being a great view ahead of me. The rest of the times I crashed into a brick wall. I feel like I hit one of those brick walls back in May. 

I was manic. I felt great. I was being honest. I filmed a spot for my aha moment (Mutual of Omaha) and I was proud of it. I was being the best ME that I could be. I shared some very personal details with 4 friends : suicide attempts, drug use, racing thoughts, medication after medication, promiscuity, and 15 other things that these 4 couldn't seem to handle.  One friend and I have not spoken size.certainly then. One friend I see on a weekly basis but I don't feel that we do more than say hi in the hallway. One friend ended up moving away. We tried to reconnect but something was off. I never did get to say good bye before she left. The last friend has been the glue stick. She is trying to hold it together. She is trying to piece is all back together. It just isn't working. Sadly, all her attempts with the glue stick are annoying me. She is who she has always been. She hasn't changed but I have.

I realized that I was pretending to be somebody different. I was faking it. I could slap on that smile and put on some eye makeup and nobody knew the real me. Once they got a glimpse, they were confused. Or at least that is the answer I have come up with on my own. It hurts. I tried to explain how being open and honest really helped me. That I needed validation of my feelings.  That my brain never shut off or even slowed to a normal rate. That suicidal ideations bounced around at least a few times a week on an up swing. THAT I WAS FINE.  Contrary to what others think, I meant it in that moment. I was fine. I am fine. I take some great meds that even me out and help with the anxiety. I am trying to start a small business, I volunteer at my boys' school, I am planning events under a new project, I am giving back to the community that helped me, and I am still doing it without a car but dependant on the kindness of others. 

As any normal person, I still get overwhelmed. My kids still drive me crazy. I am overweight and the pills pack on pounds every month. My knees and ankles hurt every day from the walking but I can't stop. 

There are many days that stress me out and confuse me but I am still here. There must be a reason. 

I am not sure what the point is behind any of these rumblings either but they needed to be said. I needed to say them. If you have any words to say, please leave  comment.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Monday Mumblings from a Mom

I am having a horrible night. In the past (before the twins) the month of October had always been hard for me. I never knew why. Somehow, no matter what bad things happened, I made it through year after year. This summer I finally figured out the why... I thought the problem was taken care of... however the last few days have gotten worse and worse.

I am overwhelmed. I am stressed. I am on the last nerve before I snap. I feel like I could hide in my room for days. Obviously that isn't an option.

I am at a loss for what to do. I feel sick to my stomach. My head is pounding. I want to scream. I want to cry. I am scared that things are going to spiral so far out of my control that I won't make it back.

My boys have been driving me nuts for a week. Their behavior has been horrendous. They are eating every five minutes. Sneaking food out of the kitchen and bringing it into their room where they make a huge mess. It was a couple minutes before 5 p.m. tonight and Sam asked for a snack. I told him I was about to quit working so I could make dinner. I got to a stopping point and headed to the kitchen. I took out the trash. I got out a lot to boil so.e pasta. I realized the cup of milk was no longer on the table. I went down the hall to remind them of the rules and take the cup. Instead they both scrambled to hide something under the table. Jay had the cup and Sam had a one pound block of cheese. It was no longer in the wrapper. It was out of the wrapper, half under the dresser with a large bite missing.

I lost it. This was the 5th time in two days that they had gotten in trouble for taking g food out of the kitchen without permission. They had been yelled at, spanked on the bottom, sat in time out, and punished. I made Them throw away the cheese, clean. Up the mess, put on jammies and get in bed.

Now here I sit two hours later and I feel like a terrible mom. This is one of those nights that I wished I wasn't doing this all by myself. No one is here to comfort me. No one is here to give me a break. I can't walk out the door.

This single parent thing is not easy. Sometimes you really don't like your kids. You hate the way they act, the words they say, the bad choices they make. I love my boys so much but... I had to bite my tongue before I said things I would regret. Words that have hurt me my whole life. I heard them when I was little and I still feel the sting.  I have made my own bad choices. Over and over again. I want to do better. Sadly I am stuck in a horrible cycle. My whole life is one big screwed up circle of crap.

I am not sure what I hope to gain from writing this out on the blog but I had to do something. Even if one other person reads this and can understand - well - it will be worth it.

A long time ago, I would just let the anxiety and depression take over. I wouldn't do anything but sleep for days. I failed my oldest son and I didn't want to make those same mistakes again. It scares me to think how close I am to doing that again. I feel like I finally have it together but it is only two steps away from falling off the edge.

October is a month of changes. The leaves turn color. The weather gets cooler. The warm sweaters come out of storage. It also has multiple causes that people want you to be aware of - breast cancer, domestic violence, suicide prevention, make a difference day, etc.  That is a lot of stuff to be added on to a very full plate. It is especially a lot for a single mom with twins.

Somewhere in this hectic month, please think of us.  Say a prayer, think good thoughts, send good vibes. Thanks.