Saturday, March 15, 2014

Storm Inside of Me

Nothing here is what it seems
You've been chasing after empty dreams
This worlds been lying to you
Pulled you further from the truth
Took you to a cold dark place
Filled your heart with disgrace
Isolated all alone, you can't even go home
Left you there wondering, how you ever got like this, got like this...
Oh but just...
Hold on, don't you go losing it now,
The sun will shine and help you find your way out
Your broken heart pounds like thunder
The waves they try to pull you under
Don't be afraid, he said "There's nothing to fear"
The price was paid, when He shed His blood and tears
The lightning strikes will make it hard to see through
But he will calm this storm inside of you
In this life it's sink or swim
And it's so easy, to give in
Picks you up when you're vulnerable
A thief in the night, tries to steal your soul
Takes you to a cold place
Fills your heart with disgrace
Isolated all alone, you can't even go home
Dirty looks from everyone
You're wondering what you have done, what you have done...
It's a long way down, but just turn around and walk the other way
It's not too late, just listen and you'll hear him say...
Hold on, don't you go losing it now,
The sun will shine and help you find your way out
Your broken heart pounds like thunder
The waves they try to pull you under
Don't be afraid, he said "There's nothing to fear"
The price was paid, when I shed my blood and tears
The lightning strikes will make it hard to see through
But I will calm this storm inside of you
Just hold on
Hold on
Veronica Ballestrini - Storm Inside of You


I hadn't watched the music video for this song in a long time but I am glad I pulled it up on youtube tonight. It brings tears to my eyes each time I watch it. I need to set it up on a permanent loop for the days that overwhelm me, which have been more often than I like the past few months. The lyrics of this song could have been written for me. 

While I was on youtube, I watched my video. A Day in Life of a Single Mom with Twins. It features another great song. I thought those months were so hard. I watch that video now and realize it wasn't that bad. I can only hope that I can look back on this week and believe the same thing.

I set up a gofundme page a couple weeks ago. To be honest, I had some jealously. I saw people donating money to help families in need. My depression twisted it and I wanted what I hoped to be a quick fix; so I set up my own page on the site. Then my anxiety made me self conscious and I felt horrible for asking anyone for help. When I got a couple donations, I felt better. But when I didn't magically have a million dollars in 3 days, the depression was overwhelming. I am still not exactly sure how I feel about the whole thing except that I know I really do need help.

On top of the normal every day struggles of being single mom, I have been having some medical problems. It looks to be an issue with my thyroid. Hopefully a new prescription medication will take care of the symptoms and help me to feel better. It isn't a medical emergency or even a huge concern, but it has caused physical pain plus increased my depression and anxiety. It made the overwhelming stress over my license and transportation issues ten times worse. It is hard enough to walk to the bus stop with two little boys, ride one or two buses to an appointment without wanting to cry because of the pain.

I don't expect anyone to take care of all my problems or issues. I wouldn't tell them no if they tried, but I don't expect it. I just have reached the point that I can't do it without some help. If I can't get out of the hole we are in, I am never going to get ahead. Admitting how badly I need help is scary to me. I have been judged many times for the type of mom/wife/woman I am. I don't want people to think of me as just a single mom, or a crazy girl. Just typing this post is giving me anxiety. I hope that somebody will understand and be willing to help. If you can't help, that is fine. I obviously understand the financial struggle that many families are facing in this economy. All I ask is that you go to the page, read what I wrote, consider helping and then share the page with someone else. On your facebook or twitter, send it in an email - just help share my struggle with anyone that may be in a position to give me a step up.

This is the URL of the gofundme page. There is also a widget on the left side that you can click on. 


http://www.gofundme.com/7074gw

Links have also been embedded in the text above for the videos and the page. Thank you.