Sad: I had to give Jay a swat on the butt when he crawled out of bed for the 4th time tonight about ten after midnight. I know that I have a short temper at times with my boys being a single mom. I wish I could snap my fingers and have more patience. (Hell, I wish I could snap my way to 2 potty trained toddlers and a car to drive.) I know that praying for patience won't get me anything but more way to test the little patience I have - so I quit doing that a while ago. I know that the boys are only 2 and a half. I just wish bedtime wasn't such a torture session.
|Aren't they adorable when they are sleeping ?|
Which leads me to...
Discouraged: Routines are something that the boys need. I love to be super organized and plan things out but the daily routine is always a little lax. I have great months where we eat at the same time, and have a great bath, story, bed routine; but then there are days when we sleep until 7pm. Last year I had a schedule up on the wall and we stuck to it pretty well. This year I have a schedule drawn out in a spreadsheet but I can barely stick to it. I know that part of the problem was that Summer just took over. But that is really just an excuse. Yes, there was a lot of construction, and the monsoons and humidity made me even less motivated. But there was something more. Something I still can't quite place my finger on. I know I have been a little more down or depressed but no where near a horrible depression like I have had in the past. I just seem to lack focus lately.
We have had a lot more scheduled this summer and that hasn't helped. (I say that as I can see my full calendar out of the corner of my eye. Oh, and that is the dry erase calendar to my right. There is also my google calendar on another tab in my browser which is synced to my phone, and then the paper version on the fridge. Then there is the excel spreadsheet of my daily finances (child support in, bills out) and a large year planner in my binder.) Wow - a whole paragraph to explain how anal retentive I can be about calendars.
Back on track - We have had to drop a couple of activities on our schedule that just couldn't conform to our needs. We skipped a bunch of other stuff that I had penciled in too. I kept meaning to get downtown for the kids' activities and we didn't make it once. We could have gone bowling 6 times a week for free and we went once all summer. There were play dates and free music classes that were all deleted off the calendar as well. The main thing I made sure to keep as a priority were therapy appointments.
Joyful: The boys were approved for speech therapy at our local hospital. During visits with the SLP, she felt that Sam needed an evaluation with the Pediatric Physical Therapist. (Jay ended up only going a few times and hasn't had a problem catching up to his age level.) He was then approved for visits with her. She felt that an evaluation with the Occupational Therapist would be a good idea and approval for visits with her should come in this week. Sam still has his moments with grunting and refusing to use words but he is getting much better. All of this stems from his constant ear infections that he had August 2010 to November 2011. The boys had a third surgery at Thanksgiving 2011 and have done great since then. YEA !!! However, getting to these appointments have become a pain in the butt. (Which leads back to...)
Discouraged: I wish we had a little more freedom with getting around town and fitting stuff into our schedule. I know I am repeating a sob story I have uttered before, but I wish I could drive and had a decent car to get us around. (For those of you that don't know, I had my license suspended when a ticket hit the one year mark of non-payment.) The fines have gone up and I haven't been able to spare the money to pay it. I know I could send a few dollars here and a few dollars there but it would take 3 years or more to pay it off (probably more). Since everything else is a bigger priority (rent, utilities, diapers) it hasn't gotten even close to the top of the HAS TO BE PAID list.
Sad, Discouraged, Joyful: Feeling this way has been helped with my own therapy appointments. I have been seeing a new counselor once a week for the last month or so. The company that oversees my depression and anxiety has had a lot of changes in the lat year. There have been countless employees that have come and gone and the caseloads have been juggled around more than bowling pins in a circus act. I was sad when my counselor in FLG left the company. Then I was discouraged while I bounced between 3 different counselors that just didn't fit or click. I have finally found some joy with being comfortable with my current counselor since I didn't think we would click at all when we first met. Writing on my blog and in a journal has really helped. It also didn't hurt that the counselor validated all the things I have done to keep my head above water the last few years. There was no judgement or rolling of the eyes. When I leave there each week I feel like somebody is sincerely proud of me for what I have accomplished in the last week. (Even if it was only cleaning the kitchen or finishing a craft project.)