Thursday, August 9, 2012

Not Able to Pretend Today

Today was horrible and it isn't over yet. Once my boys are asleep and I can have some quiet - I will consider it done. Thursdays during the summer should be fun. My mom's group meets for play dates at a different location each week. Last night a friend texted that she would pick us up so we could go today. I packed some snacks and had my new Target clearance picnic blanket ready to go. We were headed to the Duck Pond. It is a huge pond with a sidewalk around it for walking/riding bikes. The kids feed the ducks and run around in the grass. However, my kids were throwing rocks into the water, getting their shoes wet, falling in the sludge (mud and duck poop), and refusing to eat or listen. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't do anything but yell at them. I couldn't handle chasing them all over and getting up to drag them back to the blanket.

My true self showed through today and I didn't like it.

I should have known better than to bring them today but I needed to get out of the house. My depression and anxiety have been ramping up and I thought, I hoped that getting out would help. Instead I felt like more of a failure and I acted that way in front of 8 of my mom friends. What an embarrassment !

I know that I am feeling worse about things with the twins' 2 yr old-ness because of my failures with my oldest son. He is 17 and wants nothing to do with me anymore. We started to have problems when I was pregnant with the twins and it grew and grew until he moved out of the house. When I left my husband and moved to Northern AZ, he was staying with a family from church. Then he was with his aunt/cousin. When school ended this year he bounced around with some friends and then moved in with his girlfriend. Then his girlfriend moved to Cali and he went with her. Talk about winning the award for Mother of the Year. I can't even keep my kid in the same state ! While all this was happening, he contacted his father. His father hasn't been in the picture since 1998. We did see him once at Christmas time in 2008 but it was only a ploy for me to drop the child support order. Now he wants to go live with his dad in Chicago. After debating it for a week, I signed a notarized statement allowing his dad to take custody. There is nothing I can do to change how he feels about me or what has happened in the last couple years. I can't force a 6 foot tall 17 year old boy to move up here and listen to me. So I did what he wanted and signed the paper. I feel like I failed him. I did fail him. I just hope this is what he truly wants and it works out for him. All I want is for him to finish high school, not become a parent at 18, and join the military or go to college.

It is going to take some time for me to get over this. Until then I could use some prayers and support. I need to stop looking at everything in such a negative way. I need to stop pretending that everything is okay. I need to let my true self show without feeling guilty. I need a break. I have a friend coming to see me this weekend and I have already set up a babysitter for Saturday afternoon and evening. Then later this month the boys will spend the weekend with their grandparents. Once September comes, my mom's group will start meetings and I hope to join a bible study. In October, the Twins are getting a trip to Disneyland with me and their dad.  I love Disney and I already have a countdown going - 73 days to go !

Thanks for listening reading.