Saturday, March 24, 2012

Control

It has taken me a long time to realize it but I have control issues. I think I started figuring things out a couple years ago but even today it became a little more clear. In a group of people I have to dominate the conversation, the attention, the situation. For those that can see through to the underlying causes, it is a personality quirk; for others it is just damn annoying. I don't know what purpose this blog post has except to give me a written reminder. I can't apologize for this trait, it has become part of me in my 35 years. When you feel certain parts of your life spiraling out of control you grasp for whatever shreds you can control. I think I am in a good place right now, both in my life and in my surroundings, that I have found others that can tolerate and possibly understand this about me. There is so much I worry about, so much that stresses me out, that being a control freak seems like a little problem. Or maybe I have deluded myself into believing that...


I won't bore you with details or ask for pity. Life is hard - for each of us. As I talked with a friends today, I could see that we all have things in our lives that could have shattered us. We deal with each situation, get passed it in one form or another, and we become stronger. Some days you can't be strong. Some days you have to give in to tears and hiding from the world, other days you can try to put on a brave smile and fake it.


I am happy to say that I don't hide that much anymore. I am not totally sure what has changed but maybe I am just finally becoming the person I was meant to be. Could I possibly be growing up ?