Monday, February 20, 2012

It has been almost a month since my last post

And there is a very good reason for that. I would love to say that it is because life has been great and we have been busy having fun; however, it is more because I have been trying to just get through every day without losing my marbles. Being a single mom is tough, anybody can tell you that. I am not a literary genius and I know that I have had more hits on my blog because of pinterest than anything else lately. (I love that I have been getting more hits though - don't take that the wrong way.) My being a single mom isn't something I really wanted though. I asked for it plenty of times when I fought with my now ex-husband, but now that I am on my own... I hate it. 

I love my children. The twins are amazing little people. Each of them is so different yet so alike. They are smart and cute and tons of trouble. I never imagined that I would be a mom to twins. It is just really hard. Really, really, really, really hard. Any of the facets of my life would be hard to deal with on its own. Put them all together and well, it is hell. I don't really know how I make it through a day sometimes. People always ask me "How do you do it ?" and I always say something dumb like "I don't know" or "I have to".

Today's sermon at church talked about the person that built his home on the rock compared to the person that built his house without a foundation. The story goes that a person that hears God's word but doesn't listen or obey has no foundation, and that when the flood waters (troubles) rise the house will collapse. But the person that listened and obeyed will stand firm since their home is built on a solid foundation. (Luke 6:46-49)

As I took notes, I wrote this : I am the person who builds a house w/o a foundation. When it floods, the house collapses. I am a person that hears but doesn't obey.

At the end of the service I was crying. The song that played was one that I loved to sing, but I couldn't sing. For the last few days I have been more honest with myself and with some friends. I am tired of faking it, pretending to be okay with the way my life has gone. But I kept thinking about it today during a meal out at a restaurant where I want to scream and run into the snowy weather just so I didn't have to deal with toddler tantrums. As I laid in my bed waiting for the boys to fall asleep at naptime. Even in my dreams the thoughts wound there way in. 

Maybe I was wrong. I re-read a note card I had in my purse from a friend; it says : Courtney is a committed mom who is open and honest about her struggles as well as her dependence on the Lord. I remembered that someone also told me that I was a blessing to other moms in our group because I shared my struggles. I have been trying so hard to be strong. I am tired. I am so tired. I am about to cry right now as I type this out. My body, heart and head just ache. As I cried at the end of service, I told my friend that I couldn't be strong for others anymore. She told me I didn't have to. I think I needed to hear that. I needed somebody to tell me it was okay. I don't feel like I am a blessing to others. Most of the time I feel like a burden or a hindrance. 

It is so hard to always need help. It is so hard to feel like things will never get better. It is so hard to be patient. It is so hard to be stuck in the house without a car over the winter with sick kids just hoping that someone will offer to take you to Wal-Mart so you can put on real clothes and talk to other people. (Total run-on sentence there - sorry.) It is so hard to ask again for help.

I don't really know what the point of this post is, I guess I just needed to write a few things down. Leave a comment if you like or just ignore my ramblings. Thanks for reading. Sometimes I think nobody cares and everybody hates me and I need to have worms for dinner. Then one or two people will remind me that I am not alone.