Thursday, September 15, 2011

very personal post

Today was the first MOPS meeting of the 2011-12 year. I woke up early and was so excited to see my mom friends. It felt like the first day of school. I have lived in Flagstaff for a little over a year. MOPS has proved to be a great support network for me (like my church) and I hope I give back as much as they give me. I had an hour of ME time before the twins woke up. It wasn't enough. They woke up full of energy and were driving me nuts 30 minutes later. I hate getting frustrated with them and their typical, normal toddler antics - it isn't fair. Sammy smeared apple butter all over himself and then tried to jump in my lap. We had breakfast and a bath before 7:15 this morning. I was glad to drop the boys off to MOPPETS for some MOPS fun.

The meeting was great. There are a lot of new moms and a ton of women that are pregnant. There are going to be a lot of new babies this year. I am excited to babysit and help out. After we got home and had lunch the boys finally went down to nap. I sat down to watch a movie that didn't include a Disney or Nickelodeon character. The movie was about a single mom that worked as a maid. She decided to start a business doing crime scene clean-up to make more money. "Sunshine Cleaning" was much different than I expected. The part that really got to me was about suicide. The character's mom had committed suicide when she was little. She felt she needed to take care of her little sister since their mom was gone. When they are called to clean up after a suicide for a client - she is happy for the money - but it made her sad too.

This is really hard to type because even though I have been really open about my life, a lot of the followers on my blog and my local friends don't know this secret. I have attempted suicide a few times in my past. The last attempt was years ago and I am doing much better now - so nobody needs to be concerned. I always thought it would be a better solution to the problems in life - but I have realized that it would only be the start to other problems for the people I love. In my head, I have always known this, in my heart; well that was harder to grasp.  The people I have met in the last year have made me feel loved, cared for and supported. I still have times when I feel I am a burden to others - but those times are getting few are far between...

Between MOPS this morning and the movie this afternoon I really needed to write type out my thoughts. To those that have stood by me, I thank you. To those that don't really know me, but read this blog, I thank you. My life is better now than I ever could have imagined years ago when I was in some of my lowest moments. To some, my life is still pathetic... We are poor, I am out of work, and we struggle each month. However, I have the two cutest little boys that wake me up every morning and love me for nothing more than being their mom. As much as they drive me nuts some days, if things had worked out differently years ago - I wouldn't have them - or be where I am now.

My MOPS group
My church
Sunshine Cleaning
AZ Suicide Prevention Coalition