Monday, July 25, 2011

FRUSTRATED !##$@%$%^*&

I am been so short tempered lately. I hate it. I don't like telling my kids NO all day long. Sammy will try to climb on top of the TV stand - I get him down, tell him NO, turn around and Jason is doing it !!! The maintenance man has been a great help. He put up a permanent baby gate to the kitchen, guards on the window sills, a sliding lock on the bathroom, and a chain on the front door. They shake the gate until it is about to pull out of the wall. They pull on the window guards (and are bending all the mini blinds). They have been fighting too. Body slams and wrestling are not a good idea for anyone - especially toddlers that seem to bust a lip once a week !

This could possibly be explained by one key event. This weeks mark the one year anniversary of me leaving my husband. I first left on July 15th, 2010 but I came back on the 18th. He had his birthday on the 23rd and we had a big family dinner. By the 28th all hell had broken loose. We left that night. I was in a DV shelter in Flagstaff before midnight on the 30th.

We spent 9 weeks in that shelter. We now live in transitional housing for women that have dealt with domestic violence. I am lucky that it only happened those few times and never got too bad. We moved in on October 1st and have been here since. Transitional housing has it pros and cons. I get super cheap rent that is based on the income I was bringing in when I applied. (I was a substitute teacher and I was barely over min. wage). I have since lost that job but my rent stays the same - so it is hard to pay each month. We are on welfare but it isn't enough to cover the bills. I get discounts on gas/electric but we get behind pretty easily. As part of living here we have to attend groups/classes on M,T,W evenings and do case management. The classes are usually pretty decent and they provide free child care so it gives me 90 minutes to focus on something else. The bad part is the DRAMA !!! Living in a place where there are 24 women (and their children) who have all been through domestic violence and the trauma that can cause... gets to be a little much at times. Some women are bitter, some pretend it didn't happen, some are repeating their mistakes. We gossip, our cycles come together, and it ends up reminding you of high school.

I think there have been a combination of issues lately that have kept me frustrated. Being a single mom isn't easy, being jealous or aggravated of/by others makes it worse. I just need to pray that God will calm my head and my heart. Thanks for reading. I appreciate those of you that listen.

Good Night.