Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Part of My Story and Why I Left

Somebody put this link on my facebook page this week. Article: Lazy Husbands, Hungry Kids and Hopeful Wives - No Greater Joy Ministries   In was in response to a question I asked on "The Official Group of National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs, Inc." page that I belong to. 

My question and most of the responses can be found through this link: (I say most because I ended up blocking one person that I felt was being rude to the point of being harassment.)  http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_112761253575&id=10150201885413576

After reading the article, I started to write a reply to the person that sent me the link. It turned into a message which I then turned into this blog post. I apologize for bringing this all up again, but until I can fully process it - it consumes my thoughts. Life is overwhelming. When I do ask for help, I feel better. When I can't get the answers I need or at least be pointed in the right direction, I circle around in a holding pattern. That is what I feel like right now - like I am just going through the motions.

I feel I did part of what it said to do. He told me to find a way to pay the rent. I did. When he told me to find other places to tell a sob story and beg for assistance - I refused. I did not feel right making up stories to get a social service agency to pay our bills when he refused to even look for work. I prayed for him, me, our children, our marriage, our home, our situation. I took care of the kids, I did laundry, cleaned house, made meals, and I was still going to church once if not twice a week. I was working for his grandmother and his mother for cash to help cover expenses. They offered - I didn't ask. They would have paid him too but he wouldn't bother. I could deal with some of the drinking. I could deal with the arguments. I could deal with him not really wanting to change diapers and feed babies all day every day. What I could not deal with was being yelled at because me or the twins were interrupting his online tv show. I couldn't deal with being called a bitch because I wanted him to stop playing games online and go to school or look for work. I couldn't deal with being pushed and shoved. I couldn't deal with him spitting in my face. I couldn't deal with being covered in bruises. I packed up the twins and I left. I was gone for a few days when his family provided their living room as a "neutral" spot to talk. He made a bunch of false promises that I believed and I went back. It wasn't 10 days later that I was dealing with the same old shit. I had a full glass of kool-aid thrown on me and the twins and watched him storm out of the house. As I sat there cleaning red kool-aid off of my 6 mo old twins and giving them a bath - I decided to change the locks. We didn't have a permanent place to crash and since he, on his own, could sleep on a couch somewhere - I decided changing the locks was easy, fast and painless.  As my friend came to my house she saw him sitting in our car on the far side of the parking lot where he could not be seen from our windows. My friends watched him while talking to me on the phone. She told me to prop a chair under the door to hold him outside. I hadn't yet lost all the pregnancy weight and had over 100 lbs on him. He took the front door off the hinges while I sat on a chair stuck under the doorknob. At that point, my friends came in, grabbed the babies, their stuff and took us to their place. They put us up for the night and got me a contact to call at a shelter in another town. I was able to find space in a 24 hour facility a little over 2 hours away.

When he finally tracked me down and asked to set up a meeting to talk and see the twins - he served me with divorce papers. I had tossed the idea of divorce around - but it was out of anger. I hadn't even spoken to anyone about it - I was at that shelter to heal and have a safe place to stay while we tried to work out some problems. I have never claimed to be perfect. I know I can be one hell of a bitch - but I didn't choose to get divorced. I busted my butt every day to take care of my family. I still do bust my butt. There are plenty of side stories that I could tell you - and that is a whole new set of paragraphs that I don't want to deal with right now.

All I know is that I tried. I had the books, my bible, and my studies. I had a prayer group and supportive christian women in my life. Guess who drove me to the shelter when they knew my car wouldn't make it ? Two women from my marriage bible study class. Guess who helped pack up my house and rescue my things when he bailed on our home and the landlord was going to trash it ? My MOPS groups stepped up with a truck rental and men and ladies to pack and fill the truck.

I still question what I am supposed to do. I have talked to a few different pastors in town while trying to find my home church. One pastor told me that I need to work it out. One pastor said he had no answers and would pray. The third pastor said he wanted to help me move forward since he believed me when I said it was un-fixable. I have talked to women that have been in the same situation. The women that are still bitter, say "screw him". The ones that have had more therapy and are moving on - tell me to work on myself. The staff tell me to stay away, do only what the courts say I have to do for the divorce and custody, and talk to a counselor about the anxiety it causes me.

Do I sometimes have a bad day and wish I could have my family back together - of course. I have been on my own since I was 17. My parents divorced when I was little and both remarried. I had an idea of what I wanted - and being a poor single mom of twins with my oldest son living in another city was not it ! However, at this point, I think I am doing the best I can. There are plenty of side stories that I could tell you - and that is a whole new set of paragraphs that I don't want to deal with right now. I guess those will end up being their own blog posts...

And now I am done writing because one of my boys is up and crying for the 4th time tonight... Maybe I can add to this tomorrow. I can't believe it is after 4am and I am still not asleep.