Sunday, May 15, 2011

Don't really know what to say...

I have been wanting to write for weeks but I have been tongue tied... The anxiety of dealing with the divorce is really getting to me. I had a few days where I wanted to hide from life. Thankfully I have a couple people in my life that would not allow me to do that. I used to deal with depression every day - for years. Thankfully that ended the day the twins were born. Don't get me wrong, I still get down every once in a while and the mood can be hard to shake - but I don't suffer like I used to. The main issue now is anxiety. I know I have written about it before but something that a friend said tonight clicked...

She said to not let my anxiety imprison me !

Every two weeks my anxiety starts to climb... higher and higher until I want to close the windows and blinds, lock the door and lay in bed. My divorce is still pending and it is at a standstill. More specifically - custody is at a standstill. I have been awarded temporary sole custody but that has not made their father happy. He is scheduled to see the twins every other weekend. After the choking incident that Sammy had, I wrongly believed that my ex wanted to try and work together for the best interest of the boys. The review hearing that was scheduled 4-19 ended up making visitation less specific. I had wanted to get more specific times and dates drawn up but... I did get lucky on two points - the orders still state that we have to mutually agree on the terms of visitation and it has to be worked out 48 hours in advance of the visit.

This week he told me he was going to take the boys for a 24 hour overnight visit. Didn't ask, no discussion, just told me to show up at 3pm. I didn't like the way his email sounded like a demand and I told him so. So then I got the most sarcastic email saying the exact same thing. As you can imagine, that didn't help. From one email to the next, he would change little things. The biggest issue I had was his not wanting to tell me where he would be taking the children. He said it was none of my concern and that is was not 150 miles outside of Flagstaff. For safety issues, and to follow the orders that state I must be given all contact information for visitation, I told him I would not feel comfortable with the twins going to an undisclosed location. He finally gave up on the demand of an overnight visit but his last email still did not include the location. I wrote him back and told him that the twins would not be meeting him.

I know this is going to cause problems, and I might be a little over protective (and hurt). However, I do not trust a man (and his family) that have told me that they deserve to keep the twins for 8 months without me having contact. That they deserve to take them from me like I supposedly took them from him. That I should accommodate them since they deserve better... They have followed me part of the way home (to a protected confidential address). They have harassed me through emails (him) and phone calls (his parents). They have told me over and over again that he can do no wrong and that everything is all my fault. The multiple written orders that have been drawn up by the judge contain many pieces of the parenting time/visitation. I am to be given all contact information, min of 8 hours Saturday and Sunday, work together and mutually agree, 48 hour prior notice to schedule, my address remains private, days and times can be switched for best interest of twins, etc., etc... If he won't follow through on something as big as the location of where the twins will be - then how would I know where to find them if he didn't return them on time ?

It causes major headaches every two weeks. He would not finalize plans with me two weeks ago either and instead wanted me to talk to his mother. That ended up turning into a shouting match where I was told to SHUT UP ! It really didn't surprise me that he chose to have his mother handle his issues, but I was surprised at her behavior. I have decided that I will no longer deal with anyone but the twins' father (and that is only because I have to) ! I do think that the boys need their father in life, even if I don't want him in my life anymore. I had children with this man and I will be dealing with him for the next 17 years, however I am already tired of the sarcasm, attitude, twisted words and problems.

I need to get a mediator to handle it from here on out. That way a neutral third party can help to coordinate all the pieces and schedule the visitation. I then hope to find somebody that can handle the exchanges as well. That way I can say good bye to the boys and a third party can meet their father and drop them off. This same person can then pick them up and bring them home. If there are still issues, the mediator can be contacted and there will not be 15 emails of arguing... Anybody know of a service in AZ that can do this for me ? PLEASE email me !!

I feel bad venting about all this and I am always worried that my words will come back to haunt me. I don't think I said anything that I wouldn't tell the judge - but I wonder how my words will get twisted...

Thanks for reading. Please keep us in your thoughts. Since you read so many paragraphs - here are some pictures of the boys at the park from earlier today. (Sorry about the quality but my camera broke and all I have is my phone.)