Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Anxiety

I have it... big time. I am so filled with anxiety that I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. However, I am getting help for it. I have been reaching out to my support network. I have been setting up "new branches" so to speak. I am making connections and networking. I am still nervous, and until this is over, I am sure it will not go away. (This = divorce proceedings) Some days I can beg for help, others day I can't think straight. This post was not planned, and I hope I do not ramble on or sound stupid. I felt like writing, and for those of you that listen (read) - I hope you don't mind.

The days have been hard. The boys are teething. They are walking around and getting into everything. They are talking and learning new words. (I need to make sure I watch my language now.) They both want my attention all the time and there is not enough of ME to go around.

I see my friends (online and IRL) having normal family stuff happen : weddings, pregnancy, new houses, family emergencies. It hurts to know that I am all alone here. Yes, I have family - my mom, sister and grandma are only a phone call away. But it isn't the same. I will never again have the typical family unit. I will never have the mom, dad, 2 kids and a dog running around inside the white picket fence. It hurts. 

I never wanted much growing up when I thought about being an adult. I had a dream of being a teacher, but mainly I wanted to be a mom. I thought about getting married and having kids. I never thought about getting divorced. I can't really blame anyone but me, I did choose my relationship partners. Some nights though - it just stings a little bit more.

So if you care, will you think of me and the twins on March 1st ? Maybe pray if that's your thing ? Send good vibes ? I am going to need them. (And if you have any extra to give - send them now and every day this week.) 

Good Night friends...
Thanks for listening...

~ Courtney