Monday, February 28, 2011

celebrate the small stuff

So, I just got a phone call that the court appearance for tomorrow has been canceled. I was getting worried since it was less than 24 hours away... They decided to cancel it since I can't really do a 2 to 4 hour mediation conference via telephone while taking care of two sick (noisy) children. As much as I would like to do the *happy dance*, I don't feel it would be prudent. So instead I will just post a couple cute pictures of the boys and then go take a nap, relax, shower, eat (which I haven't done today unless you count chocolate), go take care of my adorable children that decided a 30 minute nap was OK today. (grumble, grumble)

Edited: The boys are quiet again... Maybe I can get a nap, shower, or go potty alone !

First time they were bundled up and in the snow

Jason didn't like it
Sammy started out unsure and ended up crying

Jason would keep his on for about 30 seconds

Sammy had to have his hands held for the picture


They thought they were a new chew toy

"Mom, knock it off ! Sammy is eating his..."

"Help me out Sam !"

"I can do it Mom !"

Not enough ME to go around - Guilt Free Parenting

Well, if I wasn't already feeling stretched thin... I am now. 

Sammy has RSV, croup and an ear infection.
Jason has pneumonia and double ear infections.
They both ended up in the ER this week when they had trouble breathing.

It kills me to see my kids sick.

Jason would cough, look at his chest, then look at me. It felt like he was saying "What the hell is going on ? Why does it hurt ? Fix it !" As the week went on, he would cough and cry. By the time Friday came, he was gasping for breath, his heart was racing, he was choking and puking.

Sammy would lay down and cry. He didn't want to crawl, walk, talk or play. He is usually my MaMa's Boy - but he didn't want me out of his sight. It took all his energy to turn his head and keep me in his line of vision. On Wednesday night, his cheeks turned bright red and he started wheezing. 

I started writing this post the other day, but as you can imagine, I got distracted. I decided to finish it today in honor of Baby Center Guilt Free Parenting Week  It has been a tough week as you can only imagine. Today I am not going to feel guilty for taking ME time. I haven't showered, eaten or done anything for myself lately without feeling bad. I might act like I am OK with some ME time, but I usually beat myself up for a while about it...


So here are some things that I do, on a regular basis, that I will not feel guilty about:
 
  • letting my kids watch DVDs on their TV (yes they have their own TV, DVD, and VCR in their room that plays a good portion of the day)
  • not giving my kids a bath every day
  • letting them have boogery noses while we are home (the crusties keep their noses from running all over their mouth and chin)
  • letting them wear the same jammies two days in a row
  • calling them THE TWINS (I think it is special to be a twin, and that I did something cool carrying two babies)
  • taking pictures and video every day and posting it for the world (ok, my FB friends) to see
  • ignoring their cries for attention when I just sat in their room and played with them for an hour
  • going potty by myself with the door shut and the fan/water running to drown out the noise
  • doing the grocery shopping alone (it would take two carts if I didn't)
I am sure there are many more, and I will add to this !
 
What do you do as a parent that you sometimes feel guilty about ?
 
Tweet :  Fill in the blank: I won’t feel guilty about ____ @babycenter #guiltfreeweek
 
Sammy in my lap while Jason was in the ER
Jason asleep in the ER
Sammy watching Yo Gabba Gabba while his meds kick in

Jason feels icky...
 
Sammy and his Mickey
Jason drinking a bottle of V8 juice


 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Anxiety

I have it... big time. I am so filled with anxiety that I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. However, I am getting help for it. I have been reaching out to my support network. I have been setting up "new branches" so to speak. I am making connections and networking. I am still nervous, and until this is over, I am sure it will not go away. (This = divorce proceedings) Some days I can beg for help, others day I can't think straight. This post was not planned, and I hope I do not ramble on or sound stupid. I felt like writing, and for those of you that listen (read) - I hope you don't mind.

The days have been hard. The boys are teething. They are walking around and getting into everything. They are talking and learning new words. (I need to make sure I watch my language now.) They both want my attention all the time and there is not enough of ME to go around.

I see my friends (online and IRL) having normal family stuff happen : weddings, pregnancy, new houses, family emergencies. It hurts to know that I am all alone here. Yes, I have family - my mom, sister and grandma are only a phone call away. But it isn't the same. I will never again have the typical family unit. I will never have the mom, dad, 2 kids and a dog running around inside the white picket fence. It hurts. 

I never wanted much growing up when I thought about being an adult. I had a dream of being a teacher, but mainly I wanted to be a mom. I thought about getting married and having kids. I never thought about getting divorced. I can't really blame anyone but me, I did choose my relationship partners. Some nights though - it just stings a little bit more.

So if you care, will you think of me and the twins on March 1st ? Maybe pray if that's your thing ? Send good vibes ? I am going to need them. (And if you have any extra to give - send them now and every day this week.) 

Good Night friends...
Thanks for listening...

~ Courtney

Thursday, February 3, 2011

My Birthday - a refelction of the past year - sort of...

I was talking to a friend earlier today about how I wouldn't be getting anything on my birthday...no flowers, balloons, presents, or even a cake (unless I baked it myself). I did get a few things this past weekend when I was with family and I can't wait to go shopping with my gift cards. I will get to spend the day with my Twins, but since they don't really understand - it is the same as any Thursday for them...

Then my neighbor came over with a Princess Belle cake for me. I almost cried I was so touched by her kindness. She also knows me pretty well. She said there was a Cinderella cake, but that blue was Sammy's color. There was Princess Aurora, but that I wasn't sleepy enough for that one, so she settled on Belle. Belle's dress is yellow and yellow roses symbolize friendship - plus Belle and I have things in common (reading/books). I was so excited. It is a small cake, so it is just for me !!!

I really appreciate the new friends I have. I love the community I live in. I love the Moms I have met online in the last year, and even if I never meet them, I know they will be on facebook to support me when I need it.

A year ago, I was laying on a couch/bed in the NICU. I was up at 2 and 5 and 8 to feed my babies. I stayed at the hospital the night before my birthday because it was important to me to wake up with them on my birthday. I made that decision for myself and I am glad I stuck to it. Things in life rarely turn out exactly the way we expect them to, and my life has taken a very different turn !!! I don't think that is a complaint though...

If I hadn't moved at the end of the summer, then I wouldn't have discovered my strengths. I wouldn't have realized that I am a good mom. I would have continued to believe everything that people were filling me head with... I don't wish this life on anyone - but I am glad of what I went through because it has brought me to where I am. 

I now live in a community of single moms that understand what I have gone through. We might not always get along, but we can understand one another and for the most part, we support each other. The resources that are being offered to me will pave the way to making my family happy and healthy. We will get our footing back again - it just might take a while. But that's okay, because these people/supports/resources are here to help me.

If you have met me in the past 6 months and you are reading this... I thank you. I thank you for being a friend (whether IRL or online). I thank you for listening. I thank you for caring.


I am resilient !
I am resourceful !
I am beautiful !
I am intelligent !
I am 34 years old today !
I am a MOM !
I am Courtney... It's nice to meet you !