Tuesday, January 4, 2011

3 weeks

In three weeks, my babies will be have their first birthday. I can not believe how fast this year went by. I saw pictures earlier today from another First Birthday party. My friend Matt and his wife Carrie have twin boys that are almost a month older than my boys. I teared up looking at the pictures, because they had tons of family and friends there for the party. My boys won't have their father or his family at the party. It is my fault, well part of it is my fault. 

Back in July, my marriage got rocky. I left once for a few days, then I came back. After ten days of being back, I left for good. I am not going to place the blame fully on him, but I am not willing to take the blame on my own either. We were both part of the problem(s) that caused the marriage to end (whether or not everyone believes that). The second half of this year has been really hard. There were so many times that I wanted to apologize, beg forgiveness and try to put the pieces back together. Then I would realize that even if I took all the blame, nothing would change. It's sad. My children were supposed to have a Mom and a Dad. He was supposed to go to work and I was supposed to stay home to raise them. I am still at home with them, but only because I can't find full time work !

This ties into a New Year's Resolution - to make each day a good day for my boys. Like today, I really needed to clean the kitchen and take down the Christmas tree. Instead, we slept in and then had play time. We made time for all three meals plus I vacuumed in between each meal. (Jason might have a gluten intolerance - more on that in a second). After dinner (rice and beans with sauteed mushrooms) we HAD to have a bath. The boys splashed a ton of water on the floor, got to play naked in their room for a few minutes, then put on new pajamas. Did I get the kitchen done ? NO ! Did I get the tree taken down ? NO ! Did we have a good day ? YES !

Dinner was interesting. I made a gluten free dinner for us. I warmed up some kidney beans, boiled some brown rice and sauteed mushrooms. After cutting stuff up in little pieces, I let them have fun. Jason has had digestion issues for a very long time, Sammy had a couple when he first came home. The Twins are on Soy formula after three other options that failed. However, Jason hasn't seemed to gain any weight in the last couple months. He is generally healthy and he does eat, so it is something we have been watching but not overly worried about it. (We = doctors, WIC and MaMa) He has been floating at the 9% to 11% for his weight based on age/height. Both boys are in the 70% for height. Sammy is 45% for his weight. He eats anything and everything ! I actually liked the meal as well but it was not enough for me (the neighbor went over to Taco Bell after the kids were all asleep).  I am hoping to research some companies that make gluten free foods and look for coupons and menu ideas. These foods are so expensive. Can you imagine paying almost $7 for a box of cereal ? Well I did ! It is worth it though... Jason was happy today, he loved his snacks and foods and his diapers were the proof !

Well. it is almost one in the morning, and even though I know I could ramble on and on, I won't.  Thanks for reading.

~ Courtney