Thursday, April 20, 2017

My Reasons - Review of Netflix Original 13 Reasons Why

13 Reasons Why

When I heard about this show, part of me wanted to avoid it all together, to ignore it. The other part of me was curious. As I suicide survivor, I needed to know if Netflix had gotten it right. I wondered if the story would actually resonate with someone that had been at that point of desperation.

They did.




***SPOILERS***TRIGGER WARNING***

Stop reading this if you don't want to know specific details about the show.
Stop reading this if you don't want to know my reasons for attempting suicide in the past.


***SPOILERS***TRIGGER WARNING***


The first episode was interrupted when my kids HAD to have the living room TV to play video games. I moved to my room and decided that maybe I wasn't in the right headspace to start watching a show detailing the reasons that the main character ended her life. If you read my last post, you would know that my own mental health has been hard to handle. You would know that my medications had not been refilled on time or correctly, and I was suffering. 

What you don't know is that the next two shows I watched had suicide in the plot lines. These were prime time shows I watched on Hulu. It seemed that the universe was not going to let me get away from this theme. The next night I started watching 13 Reason Why. First, the show is amazing. I can see myself being part of this high school group. They could have added me as another character...


I remember moving between cliques in school. I started freshman year at 5 foot 3 inches tall and 180 lbs. I joined choir, drama, student council, and the speech team, I kept busy and I barely ate. By sophomore year I was 5 foot 7 inches tall and dropped down to 130 lbs. I had my first boyfriend, helped others cheat in class, got paid for doing homework, and ditched classes. The summer before junior year I lost my virginity. That fall I got knocked up and had an abortion. In June 1994 I left home. I dropped out of school before 1st quarter of my senior year ended. 

The next few episodes held my attention but they didn't seem to be enough to bring Hannah Baker to suicide. At least, it wouldn't have been enough for me. (My first attempt wasn't until 22.) Then I got to episode 11. It was "Tape 6, Side A" when Hannah talked about Clay Jensen.

These emotions and feelings were something I felt as a teen and into my 20s. However it took my years  to really understand. I never thought I was good enough. Sometimes I still don't think I am; but I can fake it. The lines she said on Clay's tape are words I have said more than once. 


Leave me alone. Leave me alone, Clay. You should go. Part of me was saying, Please don't leave. Part of me never wanted to see you again. I don't want you here. Get the fuck out! But you walked out the door like I told you to. Why did you have to leave? It was the worst thing ever. {...} I didn't deserve to be with someone like you. No, I never would. I would have ruined you. It wasn't you. It was me and everything that has happened to me.



All I ever wanted was someone to love me despite my truth, despite my flaws and my faults. I wanted to be left alone, but I didn't want to be alone. I needed to hear words like Clay wished he could have told her. The words she needed to hear when she was still alive.



I was an asshole, and I'm sorry. And I can never make it right. {...} I love you. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't hold her. I killed Hannah Baker. {...} How am I supposed to live with that? 




Now, after 7 suicide attempts there must be some reason I am alive. Was it because I failed? Was it because I was weak and couldn't really do it? Or was it that I was strong? Were my attempts the cries of help that got me a diagnosis and medication? Some days I am not sure. 

What I do know is that suicide is not selfish to the person that attempts or succeeds. To them, it is the more selfless decision and solution they can offer. It ends their pain and suffering. It ends the emotional drain they feel they put on friends and family. It ends the medication, the drinking, or the use of drugs. 

I still have two episodes left to watch before I finish 13 Reasons Why. I had to stop and write. I needed to get these words down as they poured out of my head and my heart. This is my way to cope. I hope you can understand. (I will follow up with a recap after I finish the show. I also want to buy the book by Jay Asher.)

Sadly in 2016, my ex-husband died by suicide. This year, my friend's husband ended his life. Our community also had 4 other suicides during February 2017. Even the founder of the #semicolonproject lost her battle with depression and died in March.




I'm better now. I was able to get my medications straightened out and I am back to my version of "normal". It will still take some time to push away the anxiety, but until then I have Xanax. Suicide will never again be a solution to my pain. I have learned how to get past my depression, the anxiety, and the cycles of bipolar with years of therapy. 






Wednesday, March 8, 2017

How To Help My #CRAZY {Mental Health, Suicide, Medications, OH MY!}

Be advised. 

Pouting and Whining is about commence. 

It has taken my doctor's office 5 days to get RX refills sent to the pharmacy. {These are the same 4 medications I have taken for the last couple years.}

That is 5 days without a sleeping pill, antidepressants, or a high blood pressure med. {I had some of the 4th med still left.}

As you can imagine, this brings my #crazy to its full 100%. 

Tonight at 8pm I pick up my medications. Two of the meds were not sent over as refills at all. They find a way to fill the one medication but the remaining med is missing.

So I now have 3 of the 4 I requested. Nothing I can do tonight, so I go home. I finish eating my dinner, and grab the meds to take tonight's doses. 

The antidepressant is now only half the doses it should be. I am not sure why someone cut my dose in half without discussing it with me. It seems like they don't want me getting back to #stable. They obviously don't care what I think.

So after days of waiting, hours of phone calls, multiple sleepless nights - my Dr's office still managed to fuck it up!

While it might not seem like it right now, I am at a functioning level of #crazy 90% of the year. OK, maybe 80% is a more accurate number. However, more often than not, I can handle a missed pill, a bad day, a bad week; and roll with the punches. 

What about those that aren't doing so well?

Sadly, my community has had 4 suicides in the last couple weeks. {One was a friend.} Plus there was a shooting incident on Friday that left 1 dead, and 1 injured. A suspect was arrested today. This happened at a rec center that is TWO blocks from our house. Yesterday I found out that a woman I work with died when her chemo didn't work and the cancer spread quickly. I can't take much more.

All of this is bringing up a lot of hurt emotions from a year ago.


People need to understand that without my medications, I would be one of those 4 suicides. The reason I don't look #CRAZY is because I take these medicines every day. If I can't sleep, it sets me up for failure tomorrow. If I get too low, everything seems hopeless. 

Then when something truly bad happens, like the death of a friend, or a trauma near your home; life falls apart. Subtract 5 days of medications... I am damn lucky that I only had a mini meltdown today. 

I am blessed to know what my triggers are, how to avoid them, tips and tricks for mood swings, and some really great ideas for self-care. I am also glad that I can step out of my own mental health issues and see how to help myself. It has taken me years to learn how my head and my heart work together to keep me stable. 

There are so many people that have no idea what kind of help they need, how to ask for help, or where to even start. Mental Health Issues need to be important to everyone. Plus everyone needs to understand that one person's #crazy is not the same as the next person. If you have a friend hurting, you need to be able to help them. If they need more than what you have in a First Aid kit, you need to know where to get them help.


***********************************************************************************
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 
Call 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)
Available 24 hours everyday
***********************************************************************************
Crisis Text Line
Twitter: @CrisisTextLine 
Free support by text, 24/7. Text TWT to 741741
***********************************************************************************
Veterans Crisis Line 
(800) 273-8255, Press 1 

Central Arizona Crisis Line 
(800) 631-1314 
(602) 222-9444 
TTY (800) 327-9254

Northern Arizona 
(877) 756-4090
(Apache, Coconino, Gila, Mohave, Navajo and Yavapai Counties) 

Southern Arizona 
(866) 495-6735
(Cochise, Graham, Greenlee, La Paz, Pima, Pinal, Santa Cruz and Yuma Counties)


Gila River and Ak-Chin Indian Communities 
(800) 259-3449
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Saturday, February 25, 2017

School Success

This post has been sponsored byTestingMom.com
The opinions and ideas expressed here are my own.
#TMInfluencer #Ad

The boys are excelling in school. Jayson has taken off in his reading and is starting simple chapter books on his own. Sam’s math skills are off the charts. They are able to help each other with their different skills. It makes me proud to see them enjoy learning at school. Their school is a magnet school, with a focus on STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math) and performing arts.  The boys started learning how to play the violin with the Suzuki method in kindergarten. As they get a little older there are other programs in STEM that will be available. Since they are only in first grade, I can easily help with homework that is sent home each week. They are in separate classes which means two different sets of homework each week, but the same reading lesson and spelling words. They are learning using the Common Core standards for Arizona.
Occasionally there is a method or step that I am not familiar with and I have to look it up online. It is usually easy to find on the common core website; however, it would be nice to have some additional exercises so I can fully understand the concepts. That is where TestingMom is a big help for myself and the boys.



They have sample questions and lessons for all the state standards, for Pre-K to 8th grade. The site allows you to grow your child’s love of learning while having them play fun skill-building exercises.  You don’t have to take my word for it, here are some reviews and testimonials from other parents that have used TestingMom.  To receive 100 FREE questions, click on the image below.





Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Leave Me Alone, But Don't Leave

My head and my heart are constantly at war. My heart needs to love and be loved, but my head tells me that no one wants to share my life. Friends come and go; tired of trying to understand. Relationships fail by my hand or my actions. I don't blame anyone but myself. Some days I can't love myself so I don't expect much from anyone else. Some days I feel like everyone is missing out because I could be the best thing that ever walked into their life.



Have you ever wanted to be left alone, but still have someone near you?

Do you not want to be touched, but really need a hug?

The conflicting emotions and feelings drain all of my energy. It makes it so hard to even handle the basics of each day. Getting a shower and driving the boys to school can be enough that I need a nap. Yesterday I didn't want to go home because I knew I would crawl into my bed and sleep. I actually sat at my boys' school and did nothing so I wouldn't be alone. That was the extent of my day though, because I ended up going to bed early. Today I couldn't even be bothered to get a shower. I volunteered at the school for about 45 minutes after drop off, then I went home and took a nap.

I wouldn't say I am depressed, but that probably isn't how others see it. I will blame some of it on anxiety though, my need to make things seem good is exhausting. I load my To Do List so I can keep busy and force myself out of the house, but then I don't want to do anything at all.


Balancing everything is getting to be too much.







Some links that were in my email this week:

https://themighty.com/2017/02/losing-friends-mental-illness/
https://themighty.com/2017/01/how-people-with-anxiety-love/
https://themighty.com/2017/02/loving-someone-with-mental-illness/
https://themighty.com/2016/05/husband-writes-letter-to-wife-with-depression-and-anxiety/
https://themighty.com/2017/02/how-to-help-mental-illness-depression-anxiety/