Friday, February 12, 2016

Angry Survivors: anxiety after death

Can a 6 yr old have an anxiety attack? 

Warning: May contain triggers. Be cautious with reading if facing depression . 

Reality is setting in for my Jay. I found him sitting in the dark kitchen crying afterschool. He teared up when we were saying goodbye to a friend before the dance. He has burst into tears multiple times since we got home. 

This last episode started when he was asleep. He was itching and scratching his whole body. Crying, breathing fast, heart racing. Kicking and flailing. Then he would calm down and stare ahead and zone out. Before he fell back asleep, he said we needed to stay home tomorrow because he would be to sad to do anything or go anywhere.

How can I be so angry at someone that is dead?  I am swearing at my ceiling, crying while I try to calm Jayson. 

While I understand his decision, his self-inflicted death is really pissing me off. 

I don't know if I can do enough to help my boys. My own half-assed attempts at ending my life failed. At the time I felt that was just one more thing I fucked up in my life. Just one more thing I couldn't get right. It is so scary to think of what was going through Ken's head 15 nights ago. Scary because I have been in that hole. Scary because I saw how hard it was to dig and claw my way back to the top.

I have been at peace for the last week. As details came out the entire family realized that he had planned his death. I blamed myself for doing or saying something wrong.  I blamed myself for giving up too soon - BUT there is nothing I could have done to change things.  It is so hard to fully accept that, I don't want to accept it. 

Sammy still want talk about anything. His behavior is getting worse. Hitting and kicking, pushing his brother. Lying about little things. Sam is having a hard time with loud noises. Both boys are even more sensitive during the day, bedtime is a long process of tears, torture and giving in to them sleeping in my bed.

The other manifestation of their feelings has been yelling out: 

"You hate me! Nobody loves me! You don't love me! You don't like me! Nobody wants to play with me!" 

It is so hard to hear those words. Of course, I love them. How does a mom with her own poor feelings of self-worth explain any of this to a sad 6 yr old child. It isn't fair. 

I am not sure why I never completed my attempts at suicide. Maybe it was more of a cry for help than being at the last bit of hope. Does that make me stronger? Was he more courageous for choosing a method that couldn't fail? 

I might never know.  Right now I don't need to know. All I NEED is enough strength and wisdom and love to comfort these two little boys.  We have done pretty well over the last 5+ years so I know I CAN do it! I am just a little worried about the HOW.

Has anyone dealt with any similar situations ? Please post what worked or heled. Thank you.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Saying Goodbye

As the boys and I deal with the loss of their father, this post seemed appropriate to re-share. I obviously have a history with depression; my #semicolonproject tattoo is proof of that struggle. I have so much I need to say but it will have to wait a few more days. For now, please look over these links from my other posts - and tell your family and friends you love them.

What Would I Do Without Them?

Weepy Wednesday

bpd, bipolar, anxiety, and depression, oh my

Depression - Makes You Think Monday

Storm Inside of Me

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

How to Save on Data

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and Walmart Family Mobile. 
All opinions are mine alone. #DataAndAMovie #CollectiveBias

Today is my 39th Birthday. I would love to tell you all sorts of tricks on how to look younger, how to raise obedient children, how to keep your house clean in only 20 minutes a day - however, I don't know how to do any of those things!

One thing I do know about is bills and stretching a dollar. Having one income in a family is tough. There always seems to be more month than money. I am lucky that blogging has helped me bring in some extra income each month, it helps a lot. (Make sure to look for my upcoming series on building my blog.) Over the years as a single parent I have learned how to finds deals and discounts to keep expenses under control. One thing that never seems manageable is the bill for my mobile phone. We all have smartphones! We all have our favorite apps:  facebook, twitter, snapchat, pinterest, instagram. We all have a need to stay connected. Pictures, videos, messages, texts, phone calls. There are a lot of plans that offer unlimited talk and text but, what if you need more? We go through so much data in my family.

These two are constantly using data to stream movies and tv or to play games on their tablets. They have even asked for a WiFi enabled car so they can stream while we drive. I may have found a solution...

Once again I found a great deal at my local Walmart store. I saw a promo display for the newest Walmart Family Mobile Plus plan. For less than fifty bucks of month I will have enough data to get work done, play games and keep up to date on all my social media. The PLUS part is a free movie every month from their VUDU service. We can watch that movie on our smart TV and make it a Family Night with some pizza and popcorn. Have you tried VUDU yet? I can't wait to get our first code.

We have our movie night scheduled for Valentine's Day weekend. We have 2 extra days off school so we can use the extra time, extra data and our Plus plan to have a fun Mommy and Son date.

Do you have a planner? I am so glad they are "cool" again!

This is the phone I purchased. It is my first LG. I like the size and some of the features. The price was good too. I paid $69.82 for the phone and the SIM card starter kit was $25. The plan is postpaid so you will receive a bill after the first 30 days of service. 

The phone activation center is located in the back of my store near the wall of TVs. There was plenty of phones to choose from. My top choices were the Samsung Galaxy Core Prime, Samsung Galaxy Prime, HTC Desire 626s, LG Stylo or the LG Leon LTE. I went with the LG Leon LTE because of it's lower price. It is on RollBack this week. Check your store to see what low prices you can find.

Disclaimer: All prices for phones and plans included in this post are accurate as of the date of posting; however, these prices are subject to change. 
Please refer to or your local Walmart for current pricing.

What will you do with the extra data? How much will this help you save each month? How will this PLUS up your month? Date night movie, more time for games, work emails? What phone would you buy? Let me know!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Busy Family Dinner, a Football Game, and a Fun Craft

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. 
All opinions are mine alone. #FamilyPizzaCombo #CollectiveBias

    The past few days have been so hectic. I am just now getting to my blog. Let's backtrack a week. Last Monday was a school holiday. The kids always seem more crazy on those days. Tuesday I was trying to register for classes. Wednesday I started classes at the local community college. Thursday was a meeting at school, and shopping at Sam's Club for the 2 birthday parties my Twin Boys had this weekend. Friday is always a half day for the boys. We went home to bake cupcakes and decorate for the first party. Besides the parties, that can be a typical week for us. How much stuff do your families have scheduled for the week? Our dinner on Thursday night wasn't hard at all. When we were at the register at Sam's Club there was a sign for a #FamilyPizzaCombo at the Café.

    Can you believe that price? $13.98 and we got a 16 inch pizza, cheesy breadsticks, 6 cookies, and a 2-liter of CoCa-Cola. This a perfect meal for those nights when the TO DO list seems longer that I can get done in 2 days. It only took a couple minutes to have a hot pizza ready to take home. 

    The boys were trying to get into the box of breadsticks before we got out of the parking lot. As soon as we got home, I put the freezer items away and sat down to eat. It was so nice to be able to eat hot yummy food so quickly after getting home. 

    This deal would be perfect to have on the table for a BIG Football Game. I grabbed the plates and tablecloth a week ago. The boys loved having dinner be more of a party. That night we just watched a football movie. 

    Once the pizza was gone (it didn't take long) we were left with two cardboard boxes. Lately Sam has wanted me to cut up the cardboard so he can use it for some project. I teased him "What are you going to do with it? Play football?"

    That is when I had a great idea. We could make a football game that they could play inside the house.

    I folded the box inside out so those stringy pieces of cheese were hiding. I guess you could clean it off, huh? I didn't get that far. Ooops.

    First, you will need to grab a few supplies. I ended up not really using the tape or the staples but you could if you wanted to secure the edges.

    The next step is easy. Draw a square in the middle of the pizza box. You want it to be centered because this is going to be your goalpost.

    On the breadstick box, draw out some football shapes. (Make them look better than mine.) I drew 6 but I could gave gotten more out of the box. 

    Then start cutting. I told you, simple! 

    Use your marker to draw the goal post around the square you just cut out. I kept mine sweet and simple. You could decorate with more colors, stickers, paint. We took the easy version of our craft. Since this was a paper tablecloth, I drew a scoreboard right on the table. I added the lacing on the footballs. Yes I have to admit that is all my work. You would think that I could draw and cut out a simple football shape. Maybe the boys would have done a better job.

    All finished and ready to play. Sometimes my boys are a little young to follow the scoring or rules of a game. Usually I let them play their way because it keeps the fighting and sibling rivalry to a minimum.

    Don't forget, you can pick up and take out the Family Pizza Combo from the Café at Sam's Club. There is no need to shop for the items. Just order and pay and it is ready quickly to take home and ENJOY! Don't forget your CoCa-Cola (my favorite along with Coke Zero.)

    If you like this craft, please comment below. Let me now if you try to make your own BIG FOOTBALL GAME.