Wednesday, June 6, 2018

My Choice

When I die...

I don't think anyone will care what I am wearing. They won't mind the messy hair or the dirty house. No one will think of me as a failure for not finishing the laundry. No one will see the kitchen filled with food, or the full tank of gas in the car, they won't pay attention to the bills that were paid. Or will they? Isn't that worry also part of the problem?

What will they say about me when they find me next to a pile of dirty laundry and a sink full of dirty dishes? What will they think when they see so many screens in my house; tablets, phones, handheld games, video game systems, and TVs? Will they care? Should I care?

We talk about other's final moments as if we should be allowed in to view that which is  personal and intimate. That is wrong. It is shameful.

People make choices every day. We don't have to agree with them but we do need to accept them. What you would do in a situation is not what I would do. Until you have been in that exact spot, you can't judge the decision.

Suicide is a choice. I don't consider it to be selfish. I came to this conclusion after my struggles with depression. There were many times that I felt the world would be a better place without me. I thought my family and friends would be happy that they no longer had to deal with my problems.

After my boys' dad took his own life, I decided that suicide would never again be an option. However, I'm not mad at him for his choice.

Think before you speak! Stop judging other's choices based on your life's experiences.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Today - BE Awesome, BE Positive, BE Gorgeous

New message for me!
I am getting out of --  this funk, this blah, this mood, & the last couple weeks of being down.

Today (and the rest of May)
BE awesome BE positive BE gorgeous



I can do this! I am deserving! I'm better than their opinion of me! I am strong! I am still moving forward, the last couple weeks were just slow progress.

It is been 4 months of positive changes in my life. Healthier diet, no soda pop, rarely any fast food, supplements, tracking my food, workouts at home and at the gym, being a soccer coach, taking the dog for a walk, dealing with a torn meniscus. (Plus not feeling guilty when I make a mistake and really slip.)

AND the best part is 20 lbs have been dropped as well as 3 pants sizes. I bought size 24 jeans just before Xmas. In February I found a pair of size 22 capri jeans that fit. In March, I bought shorts in 4 different colors in a size 20. In May at a fashion show, I wore size 18 skinny jeans.

If I can see these changes in just 4 months with slip ups and mistakes (Oreo Double Stuf cookies for dinner) and still keep moving towards my goal - just think how far I could go if I stayed focused.

I am starting a challenge group for those of us that need accountability partners. Are you trying to lose weight, change your diet, workout regularly, add muscle, cut a food from your diet?  Let me help. I would never had said I could help in the past, but I am made a lot of changes over the years to get to this version of myself. Now I am focusing on my body and I am proud of myself.

Do you want to feel proud of yourself and your body? Do you have changes to make? Let's chat.

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Sunday, January 14, 2018

Big News from CoCo

I have been drinking water!  Only one soda pop yesterday and on Friday. Two each on Wednesday and Thursday. None so far today. These healthier habits are quickly taking hold. I didn't want to jinx it and say anything but I am really proud of myself. 


My snacks have been cucumbers and clementines (and some ice cream.) I even passed up the Double Stuf Oreo cookies. It is so odd but I don't even want them. I did buy some Halo Top ice cream after so many friends raved about it as a treat. 

I am using a couple different programs to help kick start these new habits. The Plexus Pink drink has helped my energy levels and curb cravings. I start and end my day with water. Weight Watchers Freestyle tracks what I eat. I actually type the foods into the app before I eat them to check the number of points. I can still splurge but it reminds me to not indulge too much. Tomorrow I start doing healthy smoothies. I ordered some Vegan Tropical Strawberry Shakeology to give me extra nutrients every day. Their portion control containers give me a visual of normal food servings. 

It has taken a long time but I am seriously ready to put my self first. I got a new bike for Christmas, and bought myself good athletic shoes for workouts and exercises. I even went to the gym. I want to play with the boys, ride our bikes, and go for a hike.  I hope I can continue these healthy habits. However, these are not resolutions. These are conscious decisions to take care of my health and well being. 

My 41st birthday is coming up and I am determined to make this a great year. I am claiming my word of the year as #CONFIDENCE again. 

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Nope. Anxiety

Anxiety won last night.


Plans were set for a Saturday night weeks in advance. I procrastinated to find a sitter hoping to use it as an excuse to cancel. With a small boost of courage and confidence, I found someone to watch the boys. I had two days. Two days to finish my to-do list. Two days to wash dishes, take out the trash, straighten up the boys' room, and clear the middle room. 




I know, I know. I hadn't been able to do all this work in the last two weeks over the school break. Hell, not even the last two months it had been on the To-Do List. There was no way I was going to accomplish it in two days. I had set myself up for failure. 

Was it a sub-conscious attempt to bow out of an event? Maybe. I am never sure. (Which only leads to more anxiety trying to figure it out!)

The biggest issue was the embarrassment of a babysitter seeing my house. I was afraid I would be judged. That someone would laugh about the horrible mom that let her children live in such a house. (To be honest, it is bad, but not close to an episode about hoarding. I don't want any readers to worry.)

I can't believe I am being this honest. I like to be an open book with my mental health issues, but this is a lot.

Be kind.