Saturday, December 15, 2018

Learning from Pete Davidson's Post

While I don't have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, I understand exactly how his words can feel in that moment. Sometimes you can see all this love around but you can't find a reason to be part of it and stick around.

People will tell me that I have so many people that love me, care about me, look up to me, need me, etc. It actually makes me feel worse because I don't see those things. It is so overwhelming and more than I can live up to.

I am my own worst enemy, or rather a frenemy. I want to love myself, be my own best friend; but I can only tear myself down. Sometimes these feelings can cycle through in the same day. It is exhausting.

There are so many tips on how to help a friend dealing with mental illness, however some days I can't understand my own feelings.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Avengers: Endgame **NEW TRAILER**

My boys and I are so excited for Avengers: Endgame

APRIL 26, 2019

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Saturday, October 6, 2018

Bipolar is not a Working Mom

I tried. I really did. I wanted the job. I was flattered when they asked me to interview. I was amazed that I was given a second interview. Then I was offered the position and asked to report for work on Monday morning. It was overwhelming but so fun. I was doing a job that used my creativity, that needed my level of energy and excitement. 

First Day of my New Job
Bipolar thrived at the busy pace and amount of work. I pushed myself and was exhausted by dinner every night. I didn't care, I was able to skip my sleeping pill at night and woke up every morning ready to tackle another day. The paychecks were high, Bipolar shopped and spent every penny. The bills were paid and we were still spoiled every week. 

More money, more new clothes;
Bipolar was winning.

Just six weeks later the shine of a new job wore off, the money wasn't enough, the work load was too much. I was cranky, I was annoyed, I was making mistakes, I was no longer the energetic shining star that had been hired for the job. My frustration was directed towards others that I felt contributed to my failings. Bipolar blamed others but didn't explain the overwhelming feelings to the boss. 

My first big event in the community stretched me to the limits of my self. I made myself sick and couldn't make it through the weekend. Two months of missing my children and being overworked left me emotionally exhausted and feeling like a failure. I took two sick days and rested. It wasn't enough. Bipolar had worked me into a hole that left me with a bad attitude. 

Two days later I was fired. 


It has been a month since I lost the job.. One month since the gifted job had left me feeling betrayed. I'm still hurt and angry. Depression has knocked Bipolar out of the way and taken over my life. Depression takes all my energy to complete menial tasks. Anxiety tags along and messes with my head like a mean girl. Faking it gets me through a day or two but then it take three or four days to reset and restart. 

Bipolar, Depression, and Anxiety don't want me to work. 

So I won't try again.

Friday, September 21, 2018

Don't Talk About It

Approximately 117 people die by suicide every day. This week two of those people were part of my community.

How selfish! What a disgrace. Why didn't they ask for help? There is no excuse. There's always another option.

Are you kidding me?

Until you have been in such a deep dark hole of depression, you have no idea how that person is feeling at the moment they begin a suicide attempt. Your brain takes over every part of your being and confuses your heart.

It screams...
You are hopeless
and pointless
and a waste of space on the earth,
a detriment to your family,
a horrible friend,
a terrible parent,
a sad excuse for a sibling.

You feel as though you have no worth what so ever. The idea of death, no longer existing on this earth, is preferable to the way that you are feeling at those moments. I've been there. Many many times. For some reason, I'm still here, and in a way after every single attempt, that made me feel like more of a failure. Suicide is not something that should be hidden, or pushed in a corner, or hidden under a rug.

This week suicide WAS an option for two people in my community. The choice to end their suffering was death.

Instead of talking about it, what are you going to DO about it?

Tomorrow morning the boys and I are participating in the Flagstaff Out of the Darkness Community Walk.

If you are in crisis, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.