Saturday, July 6, 2019

Too Many Steps

I'm not talking about walking up to the 2nd floor.

(Which I will have to do starting in September but that's a whole other blog post.)

I'm trying to explain why I spent 90% of Friday, July 5th in bed.  So let's go back a week.

The previous Thursday, June 27, I sent my kids off to church camp. I felt blessed that they were able to attend. I was so excited packing their clothes for theme days, making sure they had plenty of underwear and socks. I celebrated my kid free time by going out to breakfast alone. Then I had an appointment to get my hair cut. This was much needed because my anxiety had been causing me to cut my hair on my own, at home. (Somehow I didn't destroy it too bad, and it was an easy fix.) So now I am fed, & look a little more put together.

I get my July rent paid EARLY even though it isn't put in the system correctly and payment ledger says I paid on July 5 and makes me look bad. (This will make sense, once I finally get to the end, promise.) On this day, I also give notice that I will not renew my lease and I am moving to a new place at the end of summer. I write a handwritten 60 day notice to the property manager.

Next on the list is to go to the new rental I want to move into since we won't be staying here. I drive across town, sit down with them, and I am approved within minutes. I have a new address and a moving date. Now all that is left to do is paperwork. A huge weight is lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe again. My anxiety calms down.

Oh yeah, and actually moving. UGH! Damn it, there goes my anxiety. Plus the new place is on the 2nd floor. I physically can not move furniture and boxes up to the 2nd floor. How am I going to tackle this? I need help? Who is going to help? Do I have money to even pay them? O M G !

Ok, I need to take a step back and relax. It will all work out. Somehow it will.

Friday and Saturday should have been days I kept purging the house. I have so much useless junk in every corner of this house in the 7 years we have lived here. Not much got done, barely any homework either.

I did make it to church Saturday evening and got to sit and talk with friends, plus baby cuddles. That always make me happy.

Sunday, I decided to meet a blind date off Tinder. Again, that's a whole other blog post.

That afternoon a friend came over to help motivate me to clear out a bunch of boxes. I ended the day with a full trash can and 5 empty boxes to organize what would be moving to the new house.

Monday!!! My boys were coming home from camp. I hadn't spoken to them since I out them on the bus Thursday morning. It was such a weird feeling. I was so excited to see them. We went home, dumped all the dirty clothes into the washing machine, and I made them shower. THEY SMELLED! As we went through everything I realized we had lost bath towels, a shirt, a drawstring bag, and 3 water bottles. At least the majority of their clothes made it home along with their bibles.

Tuesday, we had friends over to hang out and BBQ some hot dogs. I found out that my best friend is moving 160 miles away by the end of the month. I'm crushed by this news. We have spent the last year practically joined at the hip.

Wednesday, the boys are scheduled to see their counselor, but he didn't have it in his calendar so we have to juggle times and shorten the visit. Sam and Jay need to be separated so Jay heads off for some one-on-one time while Sam goes with me to run errands.

Thursday is the 4th of July. I get up around 5:30, head downtown with blankets and chairs and save a spot at the parade for friends that are meeting us. I stop for donuts on the way back to the house and finally get the boys to fully wake up. Parade ends around 11 am and we head home for a nap. Well, I took a nap. I'm not sure what the boys did.

Our friends come back over at 4 to BBQ again. I burn the chicken and ruin it. I'm annoyed. We finally leave to find a spot for fireworks. My friend teases me that I am too generous and it caused us both to get a sunburn at the parade - and now - people too close to us for fireworks. Oh well.

We get home and the boys crawl into bed. They were out cold in minutes. I tried to stay up for a little bit but my eyes were too heavy with sleep.

Friday morning rolls around, we had plans but I had talked the boys out of them the night before. I turn off the alarm, put my phone on Do Not Disturb, roll over, and go back to sleep. Next thing I know, it is 11. I got up to pee, wouldn't look at myself in the mirror, and went right back to bed. I spent the entire day in bed. After the sun sets, I go to the kitchen and make something to eat. Then I go back to bed.

It took so much effort to even get out of bed, that I gave up, rolled over, and went back to sleep. I needed to pee, I was hungry, but I physically couldn't leave my bed. 


Today is Saturday. I don't really want to get up. It takes me almost 90 minutes before I am able to get out of bed. I go into the bathroom and refuse to look at myself. I strip and get in the shower. I'm embarrassed. I try not to cry for being weak. I just let the warm water run over me. 

I brush my teeth, throw on some comfy clothes, leave my phone in my bedroom, and head out to the living room. I eat and finally do some homework. My class ends tomorrow with the final test. 90 minutes of essay questions. We go to church even though I am dreading it. My anxiety is telling me to go back home, or hide in the car while the boys go to Kids Church. I force myself to go in. I always sit in the 2nd row center to keep from being distracted. The worship music starts and I have tears in my eyes. The words speak to me and my anxiety falls away.


We eat dinner with new friends. I get to cuddle and play with their baby girl. They leave to get her to bed. The boys and I decide to skip our evening plans and go home to watch a movie. I let them stay up late because they only have a few weeks until school starts. 

Now it is time for me to sing and then fall asleep...


It's a new horizon and I'm set on YouAnd you meet me here todayWith mercies that are newAll my fears and doubtsThey can all come tooBecause they can't stay long whenI believe You are the way, the truth, the lifeI believe You are the way, the truth, the lifeI believe You are





Saturday, December 15, 2018

Learning from Pete Davidson's Post

While I don't have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, I understand exactly how his words can feel in that moment. Sometimes you can see all this love around but you can't find a reason to be part of it and stick around.

People will tell me that I have so many people that love me, care about me, look up to me, need me, etc. It actually makes me feel worse because I don't see those things. It is so overwhelming and more than I can live up to.

I am my own worst enemy, or rather a frenemy. I want to love myself, be my own best friend; but I can only tear myself down. Sometimes these feelings can cycle through in the same day. It is exhausting.

There are so many tips on how to help a friend dealing with mental illness, however some days I can't understand my own feelings.

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Avengers: Endgame **NEW TRAILER**

My boys and I are so excited for Avengers: Endgame



APRIL 26, 2019



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Saturday, October 6, 2018

Bipolar is not a Working Mom

I tried. I really did. I wanted the job. I was flattered when they asked me to interview. I was amazed that I was given a second interview. Then I was offered the position and asked to report for work on Monday morning. It was overwhelming but so fun. I was doing a job that used my creativity, that needed my level of energy and excitement. 

First Day of my New Job
Bipolar thrived at the busy pace and amount of work. I pushed myself and was exhausted by dinner every night. I didn't care, I was able to skip my sleeping pill at night and woke up every morning ready to tackle another day. The paychecks were high, Bipolar shopped and spent every penny. The bills were paid and we were still spoiled every week. 

More money, more new clothes;
Bipolar was winning.

Just six weeks later the shine of a new job wore off, the money wasn't enough, the work load was too much. I was cranky, I was annoyed, I was making mistakes, I was no longer the energetic shining star that had been hired for the job. My frustration was directed towards others that I felt contributed to my failings. Bipolar blamed others but didn't explain the overwhelming feelings to the boss. 

My first big event in the community stretched me to the limits of my self. I made myself sick and couldn't make it through the weekend. Two months of missing my children and being overworked left me emotionally exhausted and feeling like a failure. I took two sick days and rested. It wasn't enough. Bipolar had worked me into a hole that left me with a bad attitude. 

Two days later I was fired. 

Defeated.

It has been a month since I lost the job.. One month since the gifted job had left me feeling betrayed. I'm still hurt and angry. Depression has knocked Bipolar out of the way and taken over my life. Depression takes all my energy to complete menial tasks. Anxiety tags along and messes with my head like a mean girl. Faking it gets me through a day or two but then it take three or four days to reset and restart. 

Bipolar, Depression, and Anxiety don't want me to work. 

So I won't try again.